BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Working midnights sucks. It's 7 degrees outside and I have to be out in the cold. LOL
Luckily I caught two burglars and I was able to get myself inside for a few hours processing their arrests. Thank God for that. It was cooooooooooooooooooooooold out there.

Talked to my friend the Ear Nose Throat guy. Said I shouldn't worry about a thing until after my scans. Recommended I have additional scanning too. Sounds like a Parathyroid problem. Told him I don't want to have to fly to Indy so that he can treat me. LOL

I am counting down the days til my scan. Hopefully it won't take forever to get my results.

Keep praying!

Up Early, Can't sleep

The kids went to my mom's yesterday on an overnight. She hasn't seen them in quite some time so I ran them out for an overnight with her. They love going to Grandma's house. For some reason yesterday they kept asking, " Can we go to your mom's house today?" LOL

Jack overheard us talking about the cancer and doesn't quite get it yet. He said, " I don't want Mom to go into the hospital" and " I don't want Mom to be sick" and this breaks my heart. I don't think he quite understands that Mommy would never to be sick, nor would she choose to be away from him and his sister besides the occasional night out and my once a year trip to DC for Police Week. I don't like to be away from them. I talk about needing time for myself and then when I am not with them, I miss them too much to enjoy myself.

I took a 3 hour nap on the couch yesterday which I don't recommend. LOL. My neck hurts, my back hurts, and my sleep schedule is officially screwed up. Working midnights and sleeping during the day is fine. But when you try to be like a normal person on your days off and sleep at night it's when you get all screwed up. :) I am not yet adjusted to the new schedule. But I guess that doesn't matter since I am looking at a few months off on the medical. It will give me a chance to hang out ALOT with the kids before I actually have to have surgery and/or treatment. I am just really sad thinking about all of it.

McKenna was 9 months old the last time I went in for treatment. She will be FOUR in May. That's CRAZY. She will miss me this time. I will miss her like crazy. Jack is another story. My heart will break for Jack. He's old enough to start to understand what is going on if we take the time to tell him everything. I am not sure that I want to do that to him. He is so innocent. Almost 6 and I would like to let him think both of his parents will live forever. Just like I thought until I was 30. :) I have told Jack every day since the day after he was born that " I missed you while you slept" it's hard doing it now knowing that I will miss a few weeks of saying that in person.

I am still a crying, blubbering fool. Now I am really angry about this. This isn't me. I am usually sad for a day and then I get up the next and deal with whatever life throws at me. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it this time. I NEVER thought I would be here again. Needing people isn't something that I DO. Letting people help me is so strange. I know that I need to do both of these things but I am really struggling here.

I just almost paid off all the bills from my last treatment, LOL, now I am going to dig another hole. I can't believe how expensive being sick is. Thank God I have insurance. I can't imagine how people with out it or with poor insurance do it. I am only responsible for 10% and it's hard for me to pay it all. What would life be without money problems? I accept the fact that I will never know. My plan is to use my medical time to sell everything in this house that we don't use. Perhaps I can make enough money to pay off all the medical bills as quickly as possible. The way I look at it if it wasn't this......it would be something else.

I keep telling myself, it could be worse. I know that it could.

I am going to hang out for the rest of the day. I think Tim is going to run to my moms and pick up the kids. I might just go out for a drive, but there was a little snow and it's so flipping cold outside I just don't know if I want to go out at all. I also need to figure out how to sleep because I am working tonight. Thank God for my partner Sandy, she certainly makes working midnights fun. We laugh most of the night and time seems to fly by except that last hour.

Thats it for today. Hope everyone has a great day. Lord knows I am trying!!!!!

Mar

The kids

Thought I better update their photo. That other one is from last Christmas. I will post this years Christmas so you can see the difference. This was taken one morning before school. Believe it or not my husband did McKenna's hair. LOL

Doctor Called

The findings need to be confirmed with the WBS(whole body scan) I am scheduled the second week of Feb. What a long wait. I get a shot of Thyrogen on the 5th and the 6th. A small dose of RAI (radioactive iodine) on the 7th and then the scan is the 9th. I won't have the results until the following Monday and then the gameplan will be discussed.

Looks to me like I have another growth on my parathyroid. I knew I was feeling crappy in June but my tests came back ok. Now my Calcium is high and my PTH(parathyroid hormone) is almost double what it should be. If you look at Parathyroid.com and Thyca.org you can look up more about each disease. I am so lucky I fall into the 4% categories. LOL. I can't win the lottery but I can fall into the small percentage of people who have bad results. Go figure.

I am feeling a little better today. Guess the few beers I had last night as well as the dancing helped me forget about things for a few hours. This morning. Back to reality.

I am hoping that this relapse will not make me a nasty person. I am really struggling with how unfair it is. Knowing I am still blessed to have a cancer that has a 95% cure rate. I am still mad. I am mad that I have to be away from my children. That they won't understand I am not choosing this. That I will miss them. That I can't kiss them goodnight for a few weeks. That I can't hug them for a long time. That is truly the most painful part. I mean pure physical pain. My heart aches now just thinking about the weeks to come.

Glad that my friends are rallying around me. I don't want to be a burden to any of them. Tired of sucking the life out of them. Tired of being "debby downer" all the time.

Me and God. We are having issues. I am not exactly speaking to him right now. We have fought before many times, and have always worked it out. This time, I am not sure how long it will take. I am really MAD at him. More on that later.....

Keep praying people. I know it works.

Mar

It's all happening again

Hard to believe that it is. Don't know exactly how to tell people again.

My cancer is back. I have a cyst in my neck. My Lymph nodes are questionable.

I can't actually believe that it is happening to me......AGAIN.

So much for cancer changing your life and making you a better person. I guess you still need to be challenged over and over again.

Me.....can't stop crying. Totally out of character for me. I am an emotional person but this is getting crazy. I don't know if I have the strength to handle this AGAIN.

January 4th I started working the midnight shift. I didn't have enough time on the job for days and missed the bid by one person. This might all change in April but right now it's not a big concern of mine.

I was due to have my scan February 9th and was gearing up with DR appts, babysitting scheduling, time off of work. Etc. There was a little snafu with my DR. My GP said he could handle it but it turns out he couldn't so I needed to quickly find an Endocronologist. I did, got in to see her quickly and she recommended that I have a neck ultrasound since I had a year off from testing. (normal procedure for someone with a clean scan at the one year mark)

Had the ultrasound on the 24th. Had to go by myself because Jack got sick and Tim had to stay home with him. We both thought I would be fine because I would go and they wouldn't find anything. WRONG. I just was in shock. I was told I have some residual thyroid tissue and a cyst on the left side of my neck, and some questionable lymph nodes on the right. A triple whammy. Now I have done my fair share of research. I know what is possibly going to happen. My little scar that has healed so nicely and people don't even notice anymore? I have a feeling it's going to get opened up again. The question is how far? With the lymph nodes, I believe that they do a radical neck dissection to remove them. It's exactly how bad it sounds. RADICAL.

So now I sit like a crazy woman waiting for the DR to call and give me the game plan. I don't know if I will still do the regular testing that is scheduled or if I will have to go off my meds and push back the date of the testing. Either way, I will be crazy until I know what is going on with me and what the course of treatment is. Doesn't that sound like fun.

Again, I am withdrawing from life. It's how I handled it last time. Having to tell the story with all the facts and answer 1000 questions from people just isn't something I am able to do. It's 2 days later and I still can't talk to my husband or my mom without becoming a blubbering fool at some point during the conversation. It makes me mad that I have to "NEED" people. I would like to think that I can handle anything myself. The bottom line is I can't. Not anymore. How confusing is it when you need people but you push them away? I guess I don't want people to see me this way. Weak.... questioning my faith......sad.......... Where is that boring life that I wished for in the New Year? Where is my boring uneventful life that I would accept in a hearbeat. Why is my life so filled with DRAMA?

I am having a really hard time right now. I am not on speaking terms with God. I discussed this with Tim and he was nice enough to reach out to our parish priest who should be calling me in the next few days so that I can go see him. I am mad at God. I have never questioned his game plan for me. When I got cancer I saw it as a chance to change the things about myself that I didn't like. Enjoy life. Be more patient with my kids. Enjoy every moment that I have with them. Kiss them often. Tell people I love that I love them. Everyday. Be a person that my children will be proud of. Be kind to others. All of the time. I really am proud of the person that I have become. How cancer has changed me for the better. How I never take anything for granted. Now I sit and think what a good person I am and I am still being punished.

That is how it feels. Punishment. What evil thing have I done in the past to deserve this? I know it doesn't make sense to feel this way but it is what I am thinking. I know this will change. It did last time. But last time my "pity party" lasted one day. Now I am on Day 2 and it's still going on. I don't know why. I am afraid that this time I won't be taking things so well. I was so proud that I was going to hit the 3 year cancer free mark. Guess I feel like a failure. I have done everything the DR has told me to do. I faithfully take my meds, I get tested regularly. I keep on top of my blood levels. Yet, it doesn't seem to have made a difference.

Will update when I hear more from the DR. Keep my family in your prayers please.

My boss is an asshole

Let's just say we have a contract to govern us and he just does whatever the hell he wants to. If you file a grievance with the union, it's suicide. Because he has the power to fuck with you. And he will. I am counting the days to his mandatory retirement because we know that wishing death, a slow and nasty death on someone would be bad for Karma. I would never think it. But there are many people who I know ARE thinking it for me. So I don't have to. LOL

I will throw a party the day that asshole puts in his papers. A damn big party.

I am blessed

These are my kids. Aren't they sweet? I know how lucky I am to still be around for them. I have had several people close to me get diagnosed with Cancer and die, quickly. It's amazing to me that it happens so fast. It also makes me count my blessings and know that God has bigger plans for me.

Merry Christmas everyone. God Bless you all.

Five Months Later

Jeez! You would think that I would take the time and post the results. NO. I didn't.

On March 11, 2005 I found out that I am CANCER FREE. It was a little weird going through the process. I finished my scans after waiting for two hours. Sitting around talking to all the other cancer patients in the waiting room. They come in and tell me. Come with me. There is a problem. I freaked out. They made me wash my hair because they said something showed up around my neck and wanted to make sure it wasn't in my hair. Nevermind that it was 40 degrees outside and they didn't have a blowdryer. They also didn't have shampoo, a comb or any towels. I washed my hair in one of the scanning room sinks with a bar of soap and blotted dry with paper towels. LOL. They re-scanned me and then sent me back to the waiting room. After another whole HOUR, they came in and got me. They had gotten DH from the big waiting room and talked to us in the HALLWAY. It's GONE. No more cancer! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. DH was a little confused as to my new hairstyle and asked what the hell happened. I guess what happened was that when I left my babies in the morning, I was crying. Crying because I hoped that it was good news I was going to tell them. Crying because I hoped that I wouldn't have to go straight to the hospital for another round of treatment. I would have had to been away from them for another 2 weeks. Crying because I couldn't kiss them or hug them goodbye. When I cried, I wiped my tears on my face because I didn't have a tissue. Well DUH the tears are radioactive and stayed there and showed up on my scan. Who knew? LOL

Bottom line is, it's GONE. Hopefully that will be the end of it. Now I really need to get my self together and get the weight off. I joined a gym and started running on the treadmill every day before work. I get up an extra hour before work and get moving. I am really starting to see the difference. I have never been fat my entire life, and I am tired of shopping in the Big Girl section when I need something from the store. I will do it.

I also promise to keep blogging. I think it's good therapy. I am feeling better everyday and it makes me proud to say I am a Cancer Survivor.

Thats all for now. Thanks to my friends and family who have dealt with the evil bitch that I was for so long. Hopefully that's all over now and I can be happy once again!!!

M

The results

I will make this the cliff notes version because it's hard to stuff a years worth of stuff into a few posts. I will touch on the important parts.

January 10th. Biopsy. It hurt like hell. I got limited information about Cancer. Dr said she really doesn't get into depth when we don't know the facts. Told me it would be a few days for the results. She would call with them. She would tell me what it is and then if it's cancer, she will have me come into the office the following day and discuss it in depth. She believes that getting a phone call that you have cancer cancels out anything else that might be said right after that. She is right. THat is all you hear. Of course after not being able to move for a long time, I went right to my friend the computer and looked up my kind of Cancer. Papillary. The good one. It's kind of funny that a cancer can be good. This one is. It's a 95% cure rate. The treatment while a pain in the ass, doesn't make you sick or make your hair fall out. I was happy. I love my hair. I might be heavier than I should be but I LOVE MY HAIR. I was happy to know it wasn't going anywhere. My childhood friend who is a MD put it in perspective for me. He said if he had to choose a Cancer for his new wife, Papillary Thyroid Cancer would be his choice. It made me feel so much better. Off to the Doc we went. She explained the treatment, a total thyroidectomy followed by Radioactive Iodine Therapy. I now know how come cancer patients feel. Even if the Doc says they can't take it out. I WANT IT OUT. I WANT IT OUT NOW, if you can get it out today, it's not soon enough for me. TAKE IT OUT NOW!~!!! It doesn't belong in there. LOL
This was the 13th of January and God love her she got me scheduled for the 23rd of January. I was so happy. Long story short, got it out, it didn't spread anywhere, got Radioactive Iodine and got back to my life. This is where tomorrow comes in. I have been living my life day to day waiting for this day. This day that finally happens tomorrow. This day is significant. I will never forget it my whole life. It's my one year mark. The news I am hoping for will be that I am CLEAN. That they will see me next year. That I am Cancer Free. I can't really put into words how much those words would mean to me. They will give me......ME. The carefree me who doesn't live life waiting for the other shoe to drop every day. The happy go lucky me who loves life, loves her job, loves her family like crazy, is spontaneous and funny. Who lives the same life she always has. The only little change would be the little pill I take every morning. I don't have a Thyroid, and need to take it every day for the rest of my life. That I can do. That's pretty easy if you ask me.
So that is where I am today. Thinking positive. All while having nightmares about some pretty freaky unrealated to cancer stuff. Not being able to kiss, hug or touch anyone in my house. Using my own bathroom and staying away from everyone. ( I had my low dose of Radioactive Iodine which is absorbed by my body over two days and will seek out and hang out in any Thryoid Cells which may be lurking in my body) Please join with me in the hope that they are ALL GONE. I would love to be done with treatment for an entire YEAR. If this first scan is clean, the rest looks good.
I won't go into anything else until I get the results tomorrow!!!!
I wan't ME back. I really want ME back. A negative scan will give me ME back. I have missed her more than anything in the whole wide world. :) I will have a party to welcome her back too. Because I know that my friends and family have missed HER while she was away hiding. :D

My annual physical

Since losing my father in September 2000 to colon cancer, annual physicals are as important to me as the air that I breathe. I have two small children and a good life. If there is anything I can do to prolong this happy life, I am willing and able to do it. November 2004. I went for my physical. I LOVE my doctor. I have seen him for years. I put him in charge of my father when he was dying and he helped me with it so easily. He ran the standard blood tests, took my BP and pulse, told me I needed to lose the weight that I put on with my kids, and checked my neck. He felt something. Said it was small, and if it was anything bad they would just take it out. I LOVE his style. People might be offended by it but I love a Doctor that just tells that truth. ( I remember him saying to me when my dad was sick. " You do know he is dying, right?" I did, strangely enough I knew before any test result came back that told me he was. I felt it in my heart and I know that my father did too.) Anyway, back to me. He sent me for an ultrasound it wasn't good. Funny how God seems to hook me up though. I got to asking the tech what the next step was. He said biopsy. I asked him if he knew anyone who had one and if it was painful. We got to talking about how I am a Police Officer and I can handle stepping in blood, getting it all over me, watch the hospital crack a check and do cardiac massage see brain matter smashed on a wall etc. I just can't see a needle enter my skin. LOL. He told me his best friend in life was a Detective. I said really where? My hubby is a Detective. ( mind you we have 13,000 police in the city) He said 51st and Wentworth. I said my hubby too. I asked what his friends name was and if I weren't laying down on the table, I would have fallen down. His best friend in life was my husbands partner. Go figure. Thanks God. So I think he was a little more open in telling me about what he saw, and what he thought would be the process. He told me no matter how many people told me it wouldn't hurt that it would. I was so happy to have the truth. The whole encounter was amazing to me. I felt good knowing the real story of the next step. The hardest part was waiting for the biopsy to get scheduled. Because of the holidays, I couldn't get an appointment until January 10th. It nearly drove me crazy. I read everything I could on the internet regarding Thryoid Nodules and Cancer. Every type, every kind, what could happen, what to look for, what the treatment is, what the cure rate is, etc etc. I was ARMED to the teeth with information by the time I went for my biopsy. I also had that secret little knowledge that I think some people choose to ignore. I KNEW it was cancer. I didn't tell anyone, I kept it inside. I cried about it secretly, I prayed every night about it. I asked for the strength when it was confirmed. I asked for my family to be strong and OK with the news. I just knew and it was strange.

It's been a year

I can't believe I haven't blogged in a year. I kept meaning to get back here. It's not that nothing has been going on, I think it's too much has and finding the time to write it all out, just hasn't existed. After weeks of waiting for my TSH levels to be high enough for my one year scan, Praise God they are. I was beginning to feel like I was in the movie GroundHog Day. I was having the same week over and over and over again for an entire month. I am currently undergoing my small dose of Radioactive Iodine Treatment for my scan which is tomorrow. I have been waiting patiently for this day for 379 days. Tomorrow will finally be the day that I find out if my cancer is gone, has returned, or has spread somewhere else. I get a WBS and should find out right after the scan what the story is. I can't explain the emotions involved in something like this. When I was told last year that I had cancer. My whole life changed. Some ways good, some bad. I definately started taking the time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy each day with my children but I also found my self less patient than I had ever been. I thank God that my friends and family have seen the changes, and called me on them. Let me explain...... Before cancer, I was bubbly, happy, carefree and fun. I loved life, couldn't wait to wake up in the morning, always wanted to find an adventure for my days off. Loved going to work, loved my assignment, excelled at work and constantly overachieved. For personal satisfaction. Not for recognition. I had fun at work, laughed out loud every single day. Tried not to pee in my pants many times, and felt like I didn't have a care in the world. Then my life changed. My boss retired, I got a new one, he replaced our whole staff, I didn't know how my new assignment would fit into my family life, I had lots of pressure to make it work and the choice really wasn't mine. I had to ask for help. For those of you that know me personally, this is one thing I am not good at. I have always been the self proclaimed "work horse" I could do anything, even after my C Sections, I didn't ask for help, I work through colds, sickness, bad weather, death in the family, etc. Asking for help, is not what I do. All in all, everything worked out. My best friend MO asked for help for me. She got it, I got the assignment I needed, and everything worked out according to plan. I had an 8 week old at home, had just returned to work and my father in law was dying of lung cancer. Thank God it all worked out. I thank God for her every single night in my prayers and pray for her every single time I get a spare moment. She is the true definition of friend. She is loyal and kind. She is caring and trusting, she is one of the only people that know the real me. The good, bad and the ugly if you will. She was sent by God to be my best friend in this life. I couldn't ask for a better one if I custom created her myself. So into the Cancer Journey I went.......

Nervous

I have so many things going on with work and home right now, I am not sure which direction things are going to go. I am not going to get the shift of my choice so I must find another location that can work for my family. I am really happy working where I am now and I don't want to give that up. I finally have some normalcy in my life right now, it's what I have been craving for years. Now another thing is changing and I am not happy. I feel like it is always me that has to do the changing. No one else in this family has it any different. Things are always the same for them. I so want to be a normal, regular person without any drama in my life. It seems as though it is always one thing or another with me. I would be so happy to have a boring, predictible, normal life. I don't think that is ever going to happen. Drama seems to find me all the time.

Just Starting

I am hoping that this will become a place that I can come and talk things out. I have so many things to think about and no one to use as a sounding board. The name Radioactive Girl is my nickname I got when I was undergoing Radioactive Iodine Treatment for my Thryoid Cancer. I am almost one year out, and am hoping for a positive scan.