AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
So since I have last posted I have also had to get my pathology and operative reports MYSELF and fax them to the Doctor. Don't they get paid big bucks to have people who are paid to do this. Why am I the idiot running around getting records? Especially since I signed a release that allowed THEM to obtain all my records.
I emailed the DR because I haven't heard from the nurse(she is really unorganized) He responded with this:
I will ask **** to check for your operative and pathology reports and let you know if we have them. I have not seen them yet. I have reviewed the sestamibi scans and the ultrasound that you previously had done. The reports suggested something that might be a parathyroid gland on the left side, but on my review of the films, I am much less certain that what we are seeing is the abnormal parathyroid gland. I would like to have you get an MRI of your neck so that I can try to have a greater degree of certainty about what we are seeing on the ultrasound and sestamibi scan. As we discussed when I saw you in the office, because of your prior surgery, you will have scar tissue in the neck making identification of parathyroid glands difficult. As a result, I need to have a high degree of certainty that I know where the abnormal parathyroid gland is prior to going to the operating room. If the MRI is not convincing, we will need to go on to other localization tests. I am sorry that this is not a simple prospect, but I really want to know where to look for the abnormal parathyroid prior to surgery.
Now call me paranoid since the whole Cancer issue but WTF does I am much less certain that what we are seeing is the abnormal parathyroid gland. GEEZ! I thought if you had a High PTH number you are guaranteed to have a bad parathyroid. Now I am thinking that something ELSE is growing in my neck. I guess I will have the MRI of my neck and we will figure it all out.
My hopes for having surgery and being healed by the warm weather are starting to look pretty grim. :(
I will update when I have the MRI results. Hope I don't have to run and get the record and deliver it to the DR office. I. JUST. MIGHT. SNAP. LOL
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day!
I went out with some friends last night and had a GREAT time.
Laughed my ass off, met some nice people, saw a few old friends. Really. Great. Time.
Forgot to post that I went to the Surgeon on Monday and he wanted to see my Scans and Neck Ultrasound before he determined if he was going to go in. I am down to 3 parathyroids and he said he would like to be sure he can tell which one is the bad one. Every time you do this surgery, you have some risks. He will bring in a vocal cord expert to look and make sure that both my vocal cords are functioning properly. My mom mentioned to me a few months ago that I clear my throat pretty often. Doesn't bother me but I guess it can be irritating to others. LOL
Haven't heard back from him yet. Tim was nice enough to run to Northwestern and pick up the film and CD and deliver it to the MD. Guess he really is a busy man and hopefully I will hear something from him this week. His nurse did pencil me in for surgery on April 19th so that if he decides he will do surgery now, I won't have to wait two months to get a date scheduled. It's not that I am vain or anything but I would like to be healed before my trip to DC for Police Week 2007 and Michigan in July. Healed as in minimal redness and swelling. I just want to get it out of the way because I know I will feel so much better when I have it done. And believe me I would like to feel better.
I will update again when I hear from the Doctor. If anyone wants to call or get together, I am feeling much more social now.
More later....
Laughed my ass off, met some nice people, saw a few old friends. Really. Great. Time.
Forgot to post that I went to the Surgeon on Monday and he wanted to see my Scans and Neck Ultrasound before he determined if he was going to go in. I am down to 3 parathyroids and he said he would like to be sure he can tell which one is the bad one. Every time you do this surgery, you have some risks. He will bring in a vocal cord expert to look and make sure that both my vocal cords are functioning properly. My mom mentioned to me a few months ago that I clear my throat pretty often. Doesn't bother me but I guess it can be irritating to others. LOL
Haven't heard back from him yet. Tim was nice enough to run to Northwestern and pick up the film and CD and deliver it to the MD. Guess he really is a busy man and hopefully I will hear something from him this week. His nurse did pencil me in for surgery on April 19th so that if he decides he will do surgery now, I won't have to wait two months to get a date scheduled. It's not that I am vain or anything but I would like to be healed before my trip to DC for Police Week 2007 and Michigan in July. Healed as in minimal redness and swelling. I just want to get it out of the way because I know I will feel so much better when I have it done. And believe me I would like to feel better.
I will update again when I hear from the Doctor. If anyone wants to call or get together, I am feeling much more social now.
More later....
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Update
So I went to the Endo the other day. (who I LOVE by the way) She is really pretty anal about covering all the bases. I went for Vitamin D labs and am scheduled for a sestimibi scan next week. I asked her to look up my records because last time was such a blur I don't remember if I had a sestimibi. I did. It indicated nothing. But I did have an adenoma on a parathyroid and they removed one. So regardless of what the scan shows, I think they will be going back in to look for the bad one.
My calcium is holding at 10.1. My PTH is 113. My TSH is is .0937and my Tg is under .02 I am adding an extra pill a week to get that TSH under 9 where she would like it to be.
I am going to a different hospital to see a surgeon. My surgeon retired from surgery and does only research now. Her boss switched hospitals and he is really good. I think I would be more comfortable with him rather than the 3rd choice in the Dept at Northwestern. I guess it's going to be radio-guided minimally invasive surgery which sounds great to me. My biggest complaint was the sore throat from being intubated. Not the surgical site at all.
That's all for me. I am tired, really really tired. So tired that it's hard to function. Guess that all in the disease. I am still working midnights which make it even worse. I feel like I am never getting enough sleep.
I will update again when I have more info. And if I can figure out how to post a video, I have a really cute video of McKenna singing.
Ta Ta for Now!!!!
My calcium is holding at 10.1. My PTH is 113. My TSH is is .0937and my Tg is under .02 I am adding an extra pill a week to get that TSH under 9 where she would like it to be.
I am going to a different hospital to see a surgeon. My surgeon retired from surgery and does only research now. Her boss switched hospitals and he is really good. I think I would be more comfortable with him rather than the 3rd choice in the Dept at Northwestern. I guess it's going to be radio-guided minimally invasive surgery which sounds great to me. My biggest complaint was the sore throat from being intubated. Not the surgical site at all.
That's all for me. I am tired, really really tired. So tired that it's hard to function. Guess that all in the disease. I am still working midnights which make it even worse. I feel like I am never getting enough sleep.
I will update again when I have more info. And if I can figure out how to post a video, I have a really cute video of McKenna singing.
Ta Ta for Now!!!!
Friday, February 09, 2007
CANCER FREE CANCER FREE
Someone please pinch me. I am Thyroid Cancer free! The doctor just called to tell me I had a negative scan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't believe it.
I do have a parathyroid problem I flunked my 24 hour urine and assume I will subjected to a sestamibi scan and then Parathyroid surgery. How bad are my numbers? I don't know and she won't tell me anything until I see her. The bad news is that I can't get in to see her until the 23rd. I asked for this to be bumped up to ASAP and am still waiting to hear back from her.
No residual thyroid tissue, no lymph node involvement. YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I can't believe she even said those words. I am so excited.
On the other hand, I know I will have to have surgery for sure so that isn't very exciting. My scar was looking really good darn it. Now I get to start all over again in that department. Also at the back of my brain is the rare possibility that it might be parathyroid cancer. It's rare but does happen. I am going to hope for the best right now until I hear otherwise!!!!!
I can't think of a song to label this post. LOL My brain is cooked. Oh well maybe my sense of humor will return tomorrow. :)
I do have a parathyroid problem I flunked my 24 hour urine and assume I will subjected to a sestamibi scan and then Parathyroid surgery. How bad are my numbers? I don't know and she won't tell me anything until I see her. The bad news is that I can't get in to see her until the 23rd. I asked for this to be bumped up to ASAP and am still waiting to hear back from her.
No residual thyroid tissue, no lymph node involvement. YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I can't believe she even said those words. I am so excited.
On the other hand, I know I will have to have surgery for sure so that isn't very exciting. My scar was looking really good darn it. Now I get to start all over again in that department. Also at the back of my brain is the rare possibility that it might be parathyroid cancer. It's rare but does happen. I am going to hope for the best right now until I hear otherwise!!!!!
I can't think of a song to label this post. LOL My brain is cooked. Oh well maybe my sense of humor will return tomorrow. :)
Thursday, February 08, 2007
I'm RADIOACTIVE
RADIOACTIVE
The Firm
Well I'm not uptight
Not unattracted
Turn me on tonight
Cause I'm radioactive
Radioactive
There's not a fight
And I'm not your captive
Turn me loose tonight
Cause I'm radioactive
Radioactive
LOL, do we see a trend here? I swear everything I am feeling has a song to go with it.
This song reminds me of my first go round with RAI. LOL.
For those of you not "hip" to the Thyca stuff, yesterday I was given a small dose of Radioactive Iodine. I am officially RADIOACTIVE GIRL. I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. ROFL. Not really. But I am radioactive for my scan tomorrow.
I go in at 0715 which really means they will get to me about 0830. They are never on time, and they NEVER seem to keep you updated on how late they are actually running. Go figure.
Yesterday I had to go to the lab and drop off my pee. (24 hour urine for calcium and creatinin) and stopped at the bakery to get the lab girls some muffins. They are so nice and for the most part painless. I have come to know them all by their first names, they know all about my job, my kids, etc. Guess you can develop a relationship with them after several years and a jillion blood draws later. LOL
They were so excite to get the box. (muffins not pee) They all called me and left me a message thanking me because no one ever does anything nice for them. I am officially VIP there so no waiting for me from now on. :) See it pays to be nice.
After leaving the lab, I had to take the elevator down to 2 to take a different elevator up to 8. Sounds stupid but one elevator goes from LL - 13 and the other 14-21 you can take the 14-21 down but it doesn't stop anywhere but 2 for the parking garage and then the lobby. ( am I rambling?) I then jumped into an elevator to go up to 8. We started to move and then heard the announcement...."we are experiencing minor technical difficulties". Minor HAH! I was stuck in that elevator for 30 minutes. Of course I was cracking jokes because the other ladies seemed a little nervous. One was late for work and the other late for her procedure like me. When they finally pried the doors open we had to jump down about 4 feet. I wasn't nervous because we were stuck between 2 and 1 not too far to fall if it did. Plus I was used to falling elevators since the old elevator at Police Headquarters would fall just about everyday. Was interesting to see the prisoners reaction because it really used to catch them off guard. LOL I was telling my partner about my day yesterday and she said, "your life could be a sitcom" ROFL, and she is right.
I probably won't get any results from my scan tomorrow until Monday so I won't be holding my breath. I do know from last time not to cry because my tears are radioactive and when you wipe them on your neck it makes the scan look BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD
So goodnight all from RadioactiveGIRL.
Now Britney Spears "TOXIC" is running through my brain.
The Firm
Well I'm not uptight
Not unattracted
Turn me on tonight
Cause I'm radioactive
Radioactive
There's not a fight
And I'm not your captive
Turn me loose tonight
Cause I'm radioactive
Radioactive
LOL, do we see a trend here? I swear everything I am feeling has a song to go with it.
This song reminds me of my first go round with RAI. LOL.
For those of you not "hip" to the Thyca stuff, yesterday I was given a small dose of Radioactive Iodine. I am officially RADIOACTIVE GIRL. I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. ROFL. Not really. But I am radioactive for my scan tomorrow.
I go in at 0715 which really means they will get to me about 0830. They are never on time, and they NEVER seem to keep you updated on how late they are actually running. Go figure.
Yesterday I had to go to the lab and drop off my pee. (24 hour urine for calcium and creatinin) and stopped at the bakery to get the lab girls some muffins. They are so nice and for the most part painless. I have come to know them all by their first names, they know all about my job, my kids, etc. Guess you can develop a relationship with them after several years and a jillion blood draws later. LOL
They were so excite to get the box. (muffins not pee) They all called me and left me a message thanking me because no one ever does anything nice for them. I am officially VIP there so no waiting for me from now on. :) See it pays to be nice.
After leaving the lab, I had to take the elevator down to 2 to take a different elevator up to 8. Sounds stupid but one elevator goes from LL - 13 and the other 14-21 you can take the 14-21 down but it doesn't stop anywhere but 2 for the parking garage and then the lobby. ( am I rambling?) I then jumped into an elevator to go up to 8. We started to move and then heard the announcement...."we are experiencing minor technical difficulties". Minor HAH! I was stuck in that elevator for 30 minutes. Of course I was cracking jokes because the other ladies seemed a little nervous. One was late for work and the other late for her procedure like me. When they finally pried the doors open we had to jump down about 4 feet. I wasn't nervous because we were stuck between 2 and 1 not too far to fall if it did. Plus I was used to falling elevators since the old elevator at Police Headquarters would fall just about everyday. Was interesting to see the prisoners reaction because it really used to catch them off guard. LOL I was telling my partner about my day yesterday and she said, "your life could be a sitcom" ROFL, and she is right.
I probably won't get any results from my scan tomorrow until Monday so I won't be holding my breath. I do know from last time not to cry because my tears are radioactive and when you wipe them on your neck it makes the scan look BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD
So goodnight all from RadioactiveGIRL.
Now Britney Spears "TOXIC" is running through my brain.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
One Down One to Go
LOL. Is this Marikay's musical journey through cancer?
I really wasn't thinking of this song until I titled the post. Now it's running through my head.
One down one to go
Another town and one more show...
If you don't know it, it's Leave it by Yes. Now hopefully someone else will have it running through their brain today and it will leave mine.
Leaving for the hosptial in an hour and a half. I was up EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLY with a bad stomach. Don't know if it's from the shot or from the crap I ate yesterday. :) Another shot in the butt, (the bandaid coming off hurt worse) another poke in the arm (pregnancy test) and I should be home to rest. I am really hoping that the second shot isn't what kicks in and makes you feel like crap. LOL. I don't really want to feel like crap yet. The pregnancy test thing is funny. I know it's state law regulated by the government but my tubes were tied almost 4 years ago. Not pregnant. Not going to get pregnant. Just funny that they keep checking. What is another needle stick to a Thyroid Cancer patient? NOTHING. I am the human pin cushion. Blood draws don't bother me at all. Hell, I could probably do my own by now.
Talked to my mom yesterday. Apologized for getting mad at her when all she is trying to do is help. She pointed something out to me. I joke about my cancer and treatment all the time and I get upset when someone else does. She is exactly right. I guess the humor helps ME feel better. I own the cancer. Therefore I own the right to joke about it. :) Right? Not exactly. I know that cancer effects the entire family and circle of friends. I know that everyone is involved in it. Worried about it. Thinking about it.
If you are reading and you haven't called because I emailed that I couldn't talk. I am ok now to talk. If you want to call and check up on me please do. If you call my house and I am not home, ask for my cell phone number.
I will be going for my Low Dose tomorrow and then off to a hotel for overnight. On Thursday I will be going to my mom's to hang out for the day and then bring her home with me. She is the babysitter for Friday while I get scanned. The lonely part is about to begin. No one near me for a few days. It makes you appreciate how important touching is in our lives. Hugs,holding hands, a touch on the cheek, these are all things that people take for granted. Ask someone who has/had Thyroid Cancer and RAI treatment. I bet they don't. Not one hug, not one hand, not one touch.
Cancer really can be an eye opener, it makes you realize what is important in life. It makes you LIVE your life differently. It makes you appreciate what you have. It makes you count your blessings.
When I was one year out (cancer free) Tim the kids and I did the Northwestern Memorial Hospital Cancer Walk. It was a goal for me to get there. It was a goal for me to feel well enough to do it. We did it. For me. For my Dad. For Tim's Dad. For us. I can't help remember who walked with us. Family members wore white T-shirts, survivors wore Purple. As we walked I was amazed at who wore the Purple shirts. Grandmas, Moms, really young Moms, Black, White, Asian,Hispanic, Young, Old, CHILDREN and me. I realized at that point that Cancer chooses EVERYONE. It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, or what color your skin is. Every type of person I could think of was there, in that group. It opened my eyes. Maybe next year after a clean scan I will do the walk again.
Love each other. Life is precious. Hug, kiss, touch each other. Today. No one is guaranteed tomorrow.
I really wasn't thinking of this song until I titled the post. Now it's running through my head.
One down one to go
Another town and one more show...
If you don't know it, it's Leave it by Yes. Now hopefully someone else will have it running through their brain today and it will leave mine.
Leaving for the hosptial in an hour and a half. I was up EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLY with a bad stomach. Don't know if it's from the shot or from the crap I ate yesterday. :) Another shot in the butt, (the bandaid coming off hurt worse) another poke in the arm (pregnancy test) and I should be home to rest. I am really hoping that the second shot isn't what kicks in and makes you feel like crap. LOL. I don't really want to feel like crap yet. The pregnancy test thing is funny. I know it's state law regulated by the government but my tubes were tied almost 4 years ago. Not pregnant. Not going to get pregnant. Just funny that they keep checking. What is another needle stick to a Thyroid Cancer patient? NOTHING. I am the human pin cushion. Blood draws don't bother me at all. Hell, I could probably do my own by now.
Talked to my mom yesterday. Apologized for getting mad at her when all she is trying to do is help. She pointed something out to me. I joke about my cancer and treatment all the time and I get upset when someone else does. She is exactly right. I guess the humor helps ME feel better. I own the cancer. Therefore I own the right to joke about it. :) Right? Not exactly. I know that cancer effects the entire family and circle of friends. I know that everyone is involved in it. Worried about it. Thinking about it.
If you are reading and you haven't called because I emailed that I couldn't talk. I am ok now to talk. If you want to call and check up on me please do. If you call my house and I am not home, ask for my cell phone number.
I will be going for my Low Dose tomorrow and then off to a hotel for overnight. On Thursday I will be going to my mom's to hang out for the day and then bring her home with me. She is the babysitter for Friday while I get scanned. The lonely part is about to begin. No one near me for a few days. It makes you appreciate how important touching is in our lives. Hugs,holding hands, a touch on the cheek, these are all things that people take for granted. Ask someone who has/had Thyroid Cancer and RAI treatment. I bet they don't. Not one hug, not one hand, not one touch.
Cancer really can be an eye opener, it makes you realize what is important in life. It makes you LIVE your life differently. It makes you appreciate what you have. It makes you count your blessings.
When I was one year out (cancer free) Tim the kids and I did the Northwestern Memorial Hospital Cancer Walk. It was a goal for me to get there. It was a goal for me to feel well enough to do it. We did it. For me. For my Dad. For Tim's Dad. For us. I can't help remember who walked with us. Family members wore white T-shirts, survivors wore Purple. As we walked I was amazed at who wore the Purple shirts. Grandmas, Moms, really young Moms, Black, White, Asian,Hispanic, Young, Old, CHILDREN and me. I realized at that point that Cancer chooses EVERYONE. It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, or what color your skin is. Every type of person I could think of was there, in that group. It opened my eyes. Maybe next year after a clean scan I will do the walk again.
Love each other. Life is precious. Hug, kiss, touch each other. Today. No one is guaranteed tomorrow.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Sunday, February 04, 2007
The Waiting is the Hardest Part
The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
Dont let it kill you baby, dont let it get to you
This is my theme song of the day. LOL. Tomorrow starts the week of waiting.
The schedule is Monday- Thyrogen shot
Tuesday - Thyrogen shot
Wednesday - Low dose of Radioactive Iodine
Thursday - Nothing
Friday - Scan I am sure I won't have the results until Monday.
I also have to squeeze in my bloodwork somewhere during the week since I asked the DR a week and a half ago to send the order to my house so I can go to the local lab instead of driving all the way to the hospital and paying for parking. When did it arrive? Yesterday. At 2pm. What time does the local lab close? 1pm. ROFL. Perfect timing. Now that I will be spending 4 out of 5 days at the hospital, I might as well get it done there. Why make an additional trip to the lab now when the hospital has a lab. LOL
I got mad at my mom today. After Wednesday I should keep my distance from everyone especially the kids. I was trying to figure out how this will be best to do and I was talking about where I will decide to keep myself. She suggested the basement. Is this crazy or what? I am the one with CANCER. I am the one who is stressed out beyond belief. I am the one who will be feeling like total DOGSHIT. I am the one who should be treated nice. Guess today is where being lonely starts. No one can come near me, no one can comfort me, no one can really understand unless they have been there. Yes folks it's true. At the lowest point in your life, you aren't allowed to touch anyone. No one can hug you or hold your hand. When you cry, your tears are Radioactive. Isn't that sad. It makes me really very sad and lonely. I am thinking about possibly going to stay at a hotel or something so that no one is freaked out about it. I didn't have to do that 2 years ago but I guess with McKenna being older, it might be harder to keep her away from me. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I will just go stay at my mom's house. It just really sucks that the when you need the people around you the most, you can't be around them.
So sing it with me now everyone...........................
The waiting is the hardest part....................every day you get one more card......... :)
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
Dont let it kill you baby, dont let it get to you
This is my theme song of the day. LOL. Tomorrow starts the week of waiting.
The schedule is Monday- Thyrogen shot
Tuesday - Thyrogen shot
Wednesday - Low dose of Radioactive Iodine
Thursday - Nothing
Friday - Scan I am sure I won't have the results until Monday.
I also have to squeeze in my bloodwork somewhere during the week since I asked the DR a week and a half ago to send the order to my house so I can go to the local lab instead of driving all the way to the hospital and paying for parking. When did it arrive? Yesterday. At 2pm. What time does the local lab close? 1pm. ROFL. Perfect timing. Now that I will be spending 4 out of 5 days at the hospital, I might as well get it done there. Why make an additional trip to the lab now when the hospital has a lab. LOL
I got mad at my mom today. After Wednesday I should keep my distance from everyone especially the kids. I was trying to figure out how this will be best to do and I was talking about where I will decide to keep myself. She suggested the basement. Is this crazy or what? I am the one with CANCER. I am the one who is stressed out beyond belief. I am the one who will be feeling like total DOGSHIT. I am the one who should be treated nice. Guess today is where being lonely starts. No one can come near me, no one can comfort me, no one can really understand unless they have been there. Yes folks it's true. At the lowest point in your life, you aren't allowed to touch anyone. No one can hug you or hold your hand. When you cry, your tears are Radioactive. Isn't that sad. It makes me really very sad and lonely. I am thinking about possibly going to stay at a hotel or something so that no one is freaked out about it. I didn't have to do that 2 years ago but I guess with McKenna being older, it might be harder to keep her away from me. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I will just go stay at my mom's house. It just really sucks that the when you need the people around you the most, you can't be around them.
So sing it with me now everyone...........................
The waiting is the hardest part....................every day you get one more card......... :)
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Working midnights sucks. It's 7 degrees outside and I have to be out in the cold. LOL
Luckily I caught two burglars and I was able to get myself inside for a few hours processing their arrests. Thank God for that. It was cooooooooooooooooooooooold out there.
Talked to my friend the Ear Nose Throat guy. Said I shouldn't worry about a thing until after my scans. Recommended I have additional scanning too. Sounds like a Parathyroid problem. Told him I don't want to have to fly to Indy so that he can treat me. LOL
I am counting down the days til my scan. Hopefully it won't take forever to get my results.
Keep praying!
Luckily I caught two burglars and I was able to get myself inside for a few hours processing their arrests. Thank God for that. It was cooooooooooooooooooooooold out there.
Talked to my friend the Ear Nose Throat guy. Said I shouldn't worry about a thing until after my scans. Recommended I have additional scanning too. Sounds like a Parathyroid problem. Told him I don't want to have to fly to Indy so that he can treat me. LOL
I am counting down the days til my scan. Hopefully it won't take forever to get my results.
Keep praying!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Up Early, Can't sleep
The kids went to my mom's yesterday on an overnight. She hasn't seen them in quite some time so I ran them out for an overnight with her. They love going to Grandma's house. For some reason yesterday they kept asking, " Can we go to your mom's house today?" LOL
Jack overheard us talking about the cancer and doesn't quite get it yet. He said, " I don't want Mom to go into the hospital" and " I don't want Mom to be sick" and this breaks my heart. I don't think he quite understands that Mommy would never to be sick, nor would she choose to be away from him and his sister besides the occasional night out and my once a year trip to DC for Police Week. I don't like to be away from them. I talk about needing time for myself and then when I am not with them, I miss them too much to enjoy myself.
I took a 3 hour nap on the couch yesterday which I don't recommend. LOL. My neck hurts, my back hurts, and my sleep schedule is officially screwed up. Working midnights and sleeping during the day is fine. But when you try to be like a normal person on your days off and sleep at night it's when you get all screwed up. :) I am not yet adjusted to the new schedule. But I guess that doesn't matter since I am looking at a few months off on the medical. It will give me a chance to hang out ALOT with the kids before I actually have to have surgery and/or treatment. I am just really sad thinking about all of it.
McKenna was 9 months old the last time I went in for treatment. She will be FOUR in May. That's CRAZY. She will miss me this time. I will miss her like crazy. Jack is another story. My heart will break for Jack. He's old enough to start to understand what is going on if we take the time to tell him everything. I am not sure that I want to do that to him. He is so innocent. Almost 6 and I would like to let him think both of his parents will live forever. Just like I thought until I was 30. :) I have told Jack every day since the day after he was born that " I missed you while you slept" it's hard doing it now knowing that I will miss a few weeks of saying that in person.
I am still a crying, blubbering fool. Now I am really angry about this. This isn't me. I am usually sad for a day and then I get up the next and deal with whatever life throws at me. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it this time. I NEVER thought I would be here again. Needing people isn't something that I DO. Letting people help me is so strange. I know that I need to do both of these things but I am really struggling here.
I just almost paid off all the bills from my last treatment, LOL, now I am going to dig another hole. I can't believe how expensive being sick is. Thank God I have insurance. I can't imagine how people with out it or with poor insurance do it. I am only responsible for 10% and it's hard for me to pay it all. What would life be without money problems? I accept the fact that I will never know. My plan is to use my medical time to sell everything in this house that we don't use. Perhaps I can make enough money to pay off all the medical bills as quickly as possible. The way I look at it if it wasn't this......it would be something else.
I keep telling myself, it could be worse. I know that it could.
I am going to hang out for the rest of the day. I think Tim is going to run to my moms and pick up the kids. I might just go out for a drive, but there was a little snow and it's so flipping cold outside I just don't know if I want to go out at all. I also need to figure out how to sleep because I am working tonight. Thank God for my partner Sandy, she certainly makes working midnights fun. We laugh most of the night and time seems to fly by except that last hour.
Thats it for today. Hope everyone has a great day. Lord knows I am trying!!!!!
Mar
Jack overheard us talking about the cancer and doesn't quite get it yet. He said, " I don't want Mom to go into the hospital" and " I don't want Mom to be sick" and this breaks my heart. I don't think he quite understands that Mommy would never to be sick, nor would she choose to be away from him and his sister besides the occasional night out and my once a year trip to DC for Police Week. I don't like to be away from them. I talk about needing time for myself and then when I am not with them, I miss them too much to enjoy myself.
I took a 3 hour nap on the couch yesterday which I don't recommend. LOL. My neck hurts, my back hurts, and my sleep schedule is officially screwed up. Working midnights and sleeping during the day is fine. But when you try to be like a normal person on your days off and sleep at night it's when you get all screwed up. :) I am not yet adjusted to the new schedule. But I guess that doesn't matter since I am looking at a few months off on the medical. It will give me a chance to hang out ALOT with the kids before I actually have to have surgery and/or treatment. I am just really sad thinking about all of it.
McKenna was 9 months old the last time I went in for treatment. She will be FOUR in May. That's CRAZY. She will miss me this time. I will miss her like crazy. Jack is another story. My heart will break for Jack. He's old enough to start to understand what is going on if we take the time to tell him everything. I am not sure that I want to do that to him. He is so innocent. Almost 6 and I would like to let him think both of his parents will live forever. Just like I thought until I was 30. :) I have told Jack every day since the day after he was born that " I missed you while you slept" it's hard doing it now knowing that I will miss a few weeks of saying that in person.
I am still a crying, blubbering fool. Now I am really angry about this. This isn't me. I am usually sad for a day and then I get up the next and deal with whatever life throws at me. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it this time. I NEVER thought I would be here again. Needing people isn't something that I DO. Letting people help me is so strange. I know that I need to do both of these things but I am really struggling here.
I just almost paid off all the bills from my last treatment, LOL, now I am going to dig another hole. I can't believe how expensive being sick is. Thank God I have insurance. I can't imagine how people with out it or with poor insurance do it. I am only responsible for 10% and it's hard for me to pay it all. What would life be without money problems? I accept the fact that I will never know. My plan is to use my medical time to sell everything in this house that we don't use. Perhaps I can make enough money to pay off all the medical bills as quickly as possible. The way I look at it if it wasn't this......it would be something else.
I keep telling myself, it could be worse. I know that it could.
I am going to hang out for the rest of the day. I think Tim is going to run to my moms and pick up the kids. I might just go out for a drive, but there was a little snow and it's so flipping cold outside I just don't know if I want to go out at all. I also need to figure out how to sleep because I am working tonight. Thank God for my partner Sandy, she certainly makes working midnights fun. We laugh most of the night and time seems to fly by except that last hour.
Thats it for today. Hope everyone has a great day. Lord knows I am trying!!!!!
Mar
Saturday, January 27, 2007
The kids
Thought I better update their photo. That other one is from last Christmas. I will post this years Christmas so you can see the difference. This was taken one morning before school. Believe it or not my husband did McKenna's hair. LOLDoctor Called
The findings need to be confirmed with the WBS(whole body scan) I am scheduled the second week of Feb. What a long wait. I get a shot of Thyrogen on the 5th and the 6th. A small dose of RAI (radioactive iodine) on the 7th and then the scan is the 9th. I won't have the results until the following Monday and then the gameplan will be discussed.
Looks to me like I have another growth on my parathyroid. I knew I was feeling crappy in June but my tests came back ok. Now my Calcium is high and my PTH(parathyroid hormone) is almost double what it should be. If you look at Parathyroid.com and Thyca.org you can look up more about each disease. I am so lucky I fall into the 4% categories. LOL. I can't win the lottery but I can fall into the small percentage of people who have bad results. Go figure.
I am feeling a little better today. Guess the few beers I had last night as well as the dancing helped me forget about things for a few hours. This morning. Back to reality.
I am hoping that this relapse will not make me a nasty person. I am really struggling with how unfair it is. Knowing I am still blessed to have a cancer that has a 95% cure rate. I am still mad. I am mad that I have to be away from my children. That they won't understand I am not choosing this. That I will miss them. That I can't kiss them goodnight for a few weeks. That I can't hug them for a long time. That is truly the most painful part. I mean pure physical pain. My heart aches now just thinking about the weeks to come.
Glad that my friends are rallying around me. I don't want to be a burden to any of them. Tired of sucking the life out of them. Tired of being "debby downer" all the time.
Me and God. We are having issues. I am not exactly speaking to him right now. We have fought before many times, and have always worked it out. This time, I am not sure how long it will take. I am really MAD at him. More on that later.....
Keep praying people. I know it works.
Mar
Looks to me like I have another growth on my parathyroid. I knew I was feeling crappy in June but my tests came back ok. Now my Calcium is high and my PTH(parathyroid hormone) is almost double what it should be. If you look at Parathyroid.com and Thyca.org you can look up more about each disease. I am so lucky I fall into the 4% categories. LOL. I can't win the lottery but I can fall into the small percentage of people who have bad results. Go figure.
I am feeling a little better today. Guess the few beers I had last night as well as the dancing helped me forget about things for a few hours. This morning. Back to reality.
I am hoping that this relapse will not make me a nasty person. I am really struggling with how unfair it is. Knowing I am still blessed to have a cancer that has a 95% cure rate. I am still mad. I am mad that I have to be away from my children. That they won't understand I am not choosing this. That I will miss them. That I can't kiss them goodnight for a few weeks. That I can't hug them for a long time. That is truly the most painful part. I mean pure physical pain. My heart aches now just thinking about the weeks to come.
Glad that my friends are rallying around me. I don't want to be a burden to any of them. Tired of sucking the life out of them. Tired of being "debby downer" all the time.
Me and God. We are having issues. I am not exactly speaking to him right now. We have fought before many times, and have always worked it out. This time, I am not sure how long it will take. I am really MAD at him. More on that later.....
Keep praying people. I know it works.
Mar
Friday, January 26, 2007
It's all happening again
Hard to believe that it is. Don't know exactly how to tell people again.
My cancer is back. I have a cyst in my neck. My Lymph nodes are questionable.
I can't actually believe that it is happening to me......AGAIN.
So much for cancer changing your life and making you a better person. I guess you still need to be challenged over and over again.
Me.....can't stop crying. Totally out of character for me. I am an emotional person but this is getting crazy. I don't know if I have the strength to handle this AGAIN.
January 4th I started working the midnight shift. I didn't have enough time on the job for days and missed the bid by one person. This might all change in April but right now it's not a big concern of mine.
I was due to have my scan February 9th and was gearing up with DR appts, babysitting scheduling, time off of work. Etc. There was a little snafu with my DR. My GP said he could handle it but it turns out he couldn't so I needed to quickly find an Endocronologist. I did, got in to see her quickly and she recommended that I have a neck ultrasound since I had a year off from testing. (normal procedure for someone with a clean scan at the one year mark)
Had the ultrasound on the 24th. Had to go by myself because Jack got sick and Tim had to stay home with him. We both thought I would be fine because I would go and they wouldn't find anything. WRONG. I just was in shock. I was told I have some residual thyroid tissue and a cyst on the left side of my neck, and some questionable lymph nodes on the right. A triple whammy. Now I have done my fair share of research. I know what is possibly going to happen. My little scar that has healed so nicely and people don't even notice anymore? I have a feeling it's going to get opened up again. The question is how far? With the lymph nodes, I believe that they do a radical neck dissection to remove them. It's exactly how bad it sounds. RADICAL.
So now I sit like a crazy woman waiting for the DR to call and give me the game plan. I don't know if I will still do the regular testing that is scheduled or if I will have to go off my meds and push back the date of the testing. Either way, I will be crazy until I know what is going on with me and what the course of treatment is. Doesn't that sound like fun.
Again, I am withdrawing from life. It's how I handled it last time. Having to tell the story with all the facts and answer 1000 questions from people just isn't something I am able to do. It's 2 days later and I still can't talk to my husband or my mom without becoming a blubbering fool at some point during the conversation. It makes me mad that I have to "NEED" people. I would like to think that I can handle anything myself. The bottom line is I can't. Not anymore. How confusing is it when you need people but you push them away? I guess I don't want people to see me this way. Weak.... questioning my faith......sad.......... Where is that boring life that I wished for in the New Year? Where is my boring uneventful life that I would accept in a hearbeat. Why is my life so filled with DRAMA?
I am having a really hard time right now. I am not on speaking terms with God. I discussed this with Tim and he was nice enough to reach out to our parish priest who should be calling me in the next few days so that I can go see him. I am mad at God. I have never questioned his game plan for me. When I got cancer I saw it as a chance to change the things about myself that I didn't like. Enjoy life. Be more patient with my kids. Enjoy every moment that I have with them. Kiss them often. Tell people I love that I love them. Everyday. Be a person that my children will be proud of. Be kind to others. All of the time. I really am proud of the person that I have become. How cancer has changed me for the better. How I never take anything for granted. Now I sit and think what a good person I am and I am still being punished.
That is how it feels. Punishment. What evil thing have I done in the past to deserve this? I know it doesn't make sense to feel this way but it is what I am thinking. I know this will change. It did last time. But last time my "pity party" lasted one day. Now I am on Day 2 and it's still going on. I don't know why. I am afraid that this time I won't be taking things so well. I was so proud that I was going to hit the 3 year cancer free mark. Guess I feel like a failure. I have done everything the DR has told me to do. I faithfully take my meds, I get tested regularly. I keep on top of my blood levels. Yet, it doesn't seem to have made a difference.
Will update when I hear more from the DR. Keep my family in your prayers please.
My cancer is back. I have a cyst in my neck. My Lymph nodes are questionable.
I can't actually believe that it is happening to me......AGAIN.
So much for cancer changing your life and making you a better person. I guess you still need to be challenged over and over again.
Me.....can't stop crying. Totally out of character for me. I am an emotional person but this is getting crazy. I don't know if I have the strength to handle this AGAIN.
January 4th I started working the midnight shift. I didn't have enough time on the job for days and missed the bid by one person. This might all change in April but right now it's not a big concern of mine.
I was due to have my scan February 9th and was gearing up with DR appts, babysitting scheduling, time off of work. Etc. There was a little snafu with my DR. My GP said he could handle it but it turns out he couldn't so I needed to quickly find an Endocronologist. I did, got in to see her quickly and she recommended that I have a neck ultrasound since I had a year off from testing. (normal procedure for someone with a clean scan at the one year mark)
Had the ultrasound on the 24th. Had to go by myself because Jack got sick and Tim had to stay home with him. We both thought I would be fine because I would go and they wouldn't find anything. WRONG. I just was in shock. I was told I have some residual thyroid tissue and a cyst on the left side of my neck, and some questionable lymph nodes on the right. A triple whammy. Now I have done my fair share of research. I know what is possibly going to happen. My little scar that has healed so nicely and people don't even notice anymore? I have a feeling it's going to get opened up again. The question is how far? With the lymph nodes, I believe that they do a radical neck dissection to remove them. It's exactly how bad it sounds. RADICAL.
So now I sit like a crazy woman waiting for the DR to call and give me the game plan. I don't know if I will still do the regular testing that is scheduled or if I will have to go off my meds and push back the date of the testing. Either way, I will be crazy until I know what is going on with me and what the course of treatment is. Doesn't that sound like fun.
Again, I am withdrawing from life. It's how I handled it last time. Having to tell the story with all the facts and answer 1000 questions from people just isn't something I am able to do. It's 2 days later and I still can't talk to my husband or my mom without becoming a blubbering fool at some point during the conversation. It makes me mad that I have to "NEED" people. I would like to think that I can handle anything myself. The bottom line is I can't. Not anymore. How confusing is it when you need people but you push them away? I guess I don't want people to see me this way. Weak.... questioning my faith......sad.......... Where is that boring life that I wished for in the New Year? Where is my boring uneventful life that I would accept in a hearbeat. Why is my life so filled with DRAMA?
I am having a really hard time right now. I am not on speaking terms with God. I discussed this with Tim and he was nice enough to reach out to our parish priest who should be calling me in the next few days so that I can go see him. I am mad at God. I have never questioned his game plan for me. When I got cancer I saw it as a chance to change the things about myself that I didn't like. Enjoy life. Be more patient with my kids. Enjoy every moment that I have with them. Kiss them often. Tell people I love that I love them. Everyday. Be a person that my children will be proud of. Be kind to others. All of the time. I really am proud of the person that I have become. How cancer has changed me for the better. How I never take anything for granted. Now I sit and think what a good person I am and I am still being punished.
That is how it feels. Punishment. What evil thing have I done in the past to deserve this? I know it doesn't make sense to feel this way but it is what I am thinking. I know this will change. It did last time. But last time my "pity party" lasted one day. Now I am on Day 2 and it's still going on. I don't know why. I am afraid that this time I won't be taking things so well. I was so proud that I was going to hit the 3 year cancer free mark. Guess I feel like a failure. I have done everything the DR has told me to do. I faithfully take my meds, I get tested regularly. I keep on top of my blood levels. Yet, it doesn't seem to have made a difference.
Will update when I hear more from the DR. Keep my family in your prayers please.
Friday, December 23, 2005
My boss is an asshole
Let's just say we have a contract to govern us and he just does whatever the hell he wants to. If you file a grievance with the union, it's suicide. Because he has the power to fuck with you. And he will. I am counting the days to his mandatory retirement because we know that wishing death, a slow and nasty death on someone would be bad for Karma. I would never think it. But there are many people who I know ARE thinking it for me. So I don't have to. LOL
I will throw a party the day that asshole puts in his papers. A damn big party.
I will throw a party the day that asshole puts in his papers. A damn big party.
I am blessed
These are my kids. Aren't they sweet? I know how lucky I am to still be around for them. I have had several people close to me get diagnosed with Cancer and die, quickly. It's amazing to me that it happens so fast. It also makes me count my blessings and know that God has bigger plans for me.
Merry Christmas everyone. God Bless you all.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Five Months Later
Jeez! You would think that I would take the time and post the results. NO. I didn't.
On March 11, 2005 I found out that I am CANCER FREE. It was a little weird going through the process. I finished my scans after waiting for two hours. Sitting around talking to all the other cancer patients in the waiting room. They come in and tell me. Come with me. There is a problem. I freaked out. They made me wash my hair because they said something showed up around my neck and wanted to make sure it wasn't in my hair. Nevermind that it was 40 degrees outside and they didn't have a blowdryer. They also didn't have shampoo, a comb or any towels. I washed my hair in one of the scanning room sinks with a bar of soap and blotted dry with paper towels. LOL. They re-scanned me and then sent me back to the waiting room. After another whole HOUR, they came in and got me. They had gotten DH from the big waiting room and talked to us in the HALLWAY. It's GONE. No more cancer! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. DH was a little confused as to my new hairstyle and asked what the hell happened. I guess what happened was that when I left my babies in the morning, I was crying. Crying because I hoped that it was good news I was going to tell them. Crying because I hoped that I wouldn't have to go straight to the hospital for another round of treatment. I would have had to been away from them for another 2 weeks. Crying because I couldn't kiss them or hug them goodbye. When I cried, I wiped my tears on my face because I didn't have a tissue. Well DUH the tears are radioactive and stayed there and showed up on my scan. Who knew? LOL
Bottom line is, it's GONE. Hopefully that will be the end of it. Now I really need to get my self together and get the weight off. I joined a gym and started running on the treadmill every day before work. I get up an extra hour before work and get moving. I am really starting to see the difference. I have never been fat my entire life, and I am tired of shopping in the Big Girl section when I need something from the store. I will do it.
I also promise to keep blogging. I think it's good therapy. I am feeling better everyday and it makes me proud to say I am a Cancer Survivor.
Thats all for now. Thanks to my friends and family who have dealt with the evil bitch that I was for so long. Hopefully that's all over now and I can be happy once again!!!
M
On March 11, 2005 I found out that I am CANCER FREE. It was a little weird going through the process. I finished my scans after waiting for two hours. Sitting around talking to all the other cancer patients in the waiting room. They come in and tell me. Come with me. There is a problem. I freaked out. They made me wash my hair because they said something showed up around my neck and wanted to make sure it wasn't in my hair. Nevermind that it was 40 degrees outside and they didn't have a blowdryer. They also didn't have shampoo, a comb or any towels. I washed my hair in one of the scanning room sinks with a bar of soap and blotted dry with paper towels. LOL. They re-scanned me and then sent me back to the waiting room. After another whole HOUR, they came in and got me. They had gotten DH from the big waiting room and talked to us in the HALLWAY. It's GONE. No more cancer! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. DH was a little confused as to my new hairstyle and asked what the hell happened. I guess what happened was that when I left my babies in the morning, I was crying. Crying because I hoped that it was good news I was going to tell them. Crying because I hoped that I wouldn't have to go straight to the hospital for another round of treatment. I would have had to been away from them for another 2 weeks. Crying because I couldn't kiss them or hug them goodbye. When I cried, I wiped my tears on my face because I didn't have a tissue. Well DUH the tears are radioactive and stayed there and showed up on my scan. Who knew? LOL
Bottom line is, it's GONE. Hopefully that will be the end of it. Now I really need to get my self together and get the weight off. I joined a gym and started running on the treadmill every day before work. I get up an extra hour before work and get moving. I am really starting to see the difference. I have never been fat my entire life, and I am tired of shopping in the Big Girl section when I need something from the store. I will do it.
I also promise to keep blogging. I think it's good therapy. I am feeling better everyday and it makes me proud to say I am a Cancer Survivor.
Thats all for now. Thanks to my friends and family who have dealt with the evil bitch that I was for so long. Hopefully that's all over now and I can be happy once again!!!
M
Thursday, March 10, 2005
The results
I will make this the cliff notes version because it's hard to stuff a years worth of stuff into a few posts. I will touch on the important parts.
January 10th. Biopsy. It hurt like hell. I got limited information about Cancer. Dr said she really doesn't get into depth when we don't know the facts. Told me it would be a few days for the results. She would call with them. She would tell me what it is and then if it's cancer, she will have me come into the office the following day and discuss it in depth. She believes that getting a phone call that you have cancer cancels out anything else that might be said right after that. She is right. THat is all you hear. Of course after not being able to move for a long time, I went right to my friend the computer and looked up my kind of Cancer. Papillary. The good one. It's kind of funny that a cancer can be good. This one is. It's a 95% cure rate. The treatment while a pain in the ass, doesn't make you sick or make your hair fall out. I was happy. I love my hair. I might be heavier than I should be but I LOVE MY HAIR. I was happy to know it wasn't going anywhere. My childhood friend who is a MD put it in perspective for me. He said if he had to choose a Cancer for his new wife, Papillary Thyroid Cancer would be his choice. It made me feel so much better. Off to the Doc we went. She explained the treatment, a total thyroidectomy followed by Radioactive Iodine Therapy. I now know how come cancer patients feel. Even if the Doc says they can't take it out. I WANT IT OUT. I WANT IT OUT NOW, if you can get it out today, it's not soon enough for me. TAKE IT OUT NOW!~!!! It doesn't belong in there. LOL
This was the 13th of January and God love her she got me scheduled for the 23rd of January. I was so happy. Long story short, got it out, it didn't spread anywhere, got Radioactive Iodine and got back to my life. This is where tomorrow comes in. I have been living my life day to day waiting for this day. This day that finally happens tomorrow. This day is significant. I will never forget it my whole life. It's my one year mark. The news I am hoping for will be that I am CLEAN. That they will see me next year. That I am Cancer Free. I can't really put into words how much those words would mean to me. They will give me......ME. The carefree me who doesn't live life waiting for the other shoe to drop every day. The happy go lucky me who loves life, loves her job, loves her family like crazy, is spontaneous and funny. Who lives the same life she always has. The only little change would be the little pill I take every morning. I don't have a Thyroid, and need to take it every day for the rest of my life. That I can do. That's pretty easy if you ask me.
So that is where I am today. Thinking positive. All while having nightmares about some pretty freaky unrealated to cancer stuff. Not being able to kiss, hug or touch anyone in my house. Using my own bathroom and staying away from everyone. ( I had my low dose of Radioactive Iodine which is absorbed by my body over two days and will seek out and hang out in any Thryoid Cells which may be lurking in my body) Please join with me in the hope that they are ALL GONE. I would love to be done with treatment for an entire YEAR. If this first scan is clean, the rest looks good.
I won't go into anything else until I get the results tomorrow!!!!
I wan't ME back. I really want ME back. A negative scan will give me ME back. I have missed her more than anything in the whole wide world. :) I will have a party to welcome her back too. Because I know that my friends and family have missed HER while she was away hiding. :D
January 10th. Biopsy. It hurt like hell. I got limited information about Cancer. Dr said she really doesn't get into depth when we don't know the facts. Told me it would be a few days for the results. She would call with them. She would tell me what it is and then if it's cancer, she will have me come into the office the following day and discuss it in depth. She believes that getting a phone call that you have cancer cancels out anything else that might be said right after that. She is right. THat is all you hear. Of course after not being able to move for a long time, I went right to my friend the computer and looked up my kind of Cancer. Papillary. The good one. It's kind of funny that a cancer can be good. This one is. It's a 95% cure rate. The treatment while a pain in the ass, doesn't make you sick or make your hair fall out. I was happy. I love my hair. I might be heavier than I should be but I LOVE MY HAIR. I was happy to know it wasn't going anywhere. My childhood friend who is a MD put it in perspective for me. He said if he had to choose a Cancer for his new wife, Papillary Thyroid Cancer would be his choice. It made me feel so much better. Off to the Doc we went. She explained the treatment, a total thyroidectomy followed by Radioactive Iodine Therapy. I now know how come cancer patients feel. Even if the Doc says they can't take it out. I WANT IT OUT. I WANT IT OUT NOW, if you can get it out today, it's not soon enough for me. TAKE IT OUT NOW!~!!! It doesn't belong in there. LOL
This was the 13th of January and God love her she got me scheduled for the 23rd of January. I was so happy. Long story short, got it out, it didn't spread anywhere, got Radioactive Iodine and got back to my life. This is where tomorrow comes in. I have been living my life day to day waiting for this day. This day that finally happens tomorrow. This day is significant. I will never forget it my whole life. It's my one year mark. The news I am hoping for will be that I am CLEAN. That they will see me next year. That I am Cancer Free. I can't really put into words how much those words would mean to me. They will give me......ME. The carefree me who doesn't live life waiting for the other shoe to drop every day. The happy go lucky me who loves life, loves her job, loves her family like crazy, is spontaneous and funny. Who lives the same life she always has. The only little change would be the little pill I take every morning. I don't have a Thyroid, and need to take it every day for the rest of my life. That I can do. That's pretty easy if you ask me.
So that is where I am today. Thinking positive. All while having nightmares about some pretty freaky unrealated to cancer stuff. Not being able to kiss, hug or touch anyone in my house. Using my own bathroom and staying away from everyone. ( I had my low dose of Radioactive Iodine which is absorbed by my body over two days and will seek out and hang out in any Thryoid Cells which may be lurking in my body) Please join with me in the hope that they are ALL GONE. I would love to be done with treatment for an entire YEAR. If this first scan is clean, the rest looks good.
I won't go into anything else until I get the results tomorrow!!!!
I wan't ME back. I really want ME back. A negative scan will give me ME back. I have missed her more than anything in the whole wide world. :) I will have a party to welcome her back too. Because I know that my friends and family have missed HER while she was away hiding. :D
My annual physical
Since losing my father in September 2000 to colon cancer, annual physicals are as important to me as the air that I breathe. I have two small children and a good life. If there is anything I can do to prolong this happy life, I am willing and able to do it. November 2004. I went for my physical. I LOVE my doctor. I have seen him for years. I put him in charge of my father when he was dying and he helped me with it so easily. He ran the standard blood tests, took my BP and pulse, told me I needed to lose the weight that I put on with my kids, and checked my neck. He felt something. Said it was small, and if it was anything bad they would just take it out. I LOVE his style. People might be offended by it but I love a Doctor that just tells that truth. ( I remember him saying to me when my dad was sick. " You do know he is dying, right?" I did, strangely enough I knew before any test result came back that told me he was. I felt it in my heart and I know that my father did too.) Anyway, back to me. He sent me for an ultrasound it wasn't good. Funny how God seems to hook me up though. I got to asking the tech what the next step was. He said biopsy. I asked him if he knew anyone who had one and if it was painful. We got to talking about how I am a Police Officer and I can handle stepping in blood, getting it all over me, watch the hospital crack a check and do cardiac massage see brain matter smashed on a wall etc. I just can't see a needle enter my skin. LOL. He told me his best friend in life was a Detective. I said really where? My hubby is a Detective. ( mind you we have 13,000 police in the city) He said 51st and Wentworth. I said my hubby too. I asked what his friends name was and if I weren't laying down on the table, I would have fallen down. His best friend in life was my husbands partner. Go figure. Thanks God. So I think he was a little more open in telling me about what he saw, and what he thought would be the process. He told me no matter how many people told me it wouldn't hurt that it would. I was so happy to have the truth. The whole encounter was amazing to me. I felt good knowing the real story of the next step. The hardest part was waiting for the biopsy to get scheduled. Because of the holidays, I couldn't get an appointment until January 10th. It nearly drove me crazy. I read everything I could on the internet regarding Thryoid Nodules and Cancer. Every type, every kind, what could happen, what to look for, what the treatment is, what the cure rate is, etc etc. I was ARMED to the teeth with information by the time I went for my biopsy. I also had that secret little knowledge that I think some people choose to ignore. I KNEW it was cancer. I didn't tell anyone, I kept it inside. I cried about it secretly, I prayed every night about it. I asked for the strength when it was confirmed. I asked for my family to be strong and OK with the news. I just knew and it was strange.
It's been a year
I can't believe I haven't blogged in a year. I kept meaning to get back here. It's not that nothing has been going on, I think it's too much has and finding the time to write it all out, just hasn't existed. After weeks of waiting for my TSH levels to be high enough for my one year scan, Praise God they are. I was beginning to feel like I was in the movie GroundHog Day. I was having the same week over and over and over again for an entire month. I am currently undergoing my small dose of Radioactive Iodine Treatment for my scan which is tomorrow. I have been waiting patiently for this day for 379 days. Tomorrow will finally be the day that I find out if my cancer is gone, has returned, or has spread somewhere else. I get a WBS and should find out right after the scan what the story is. I can't explain the emotions involved in something like this. When I was told last year that I had cancer. My whole life changed. Some ways good, some bad. I definately started taking the time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy each day with my children but I also found my self less patient than I had ever been. I thank God that my friends and family have seen the changes, and called me on them. Let me explain...... Before cancer, I was bubbly, happy, carefree and fun. I loved life, couldn't wait to wake up in the morning, always wanted to find an adventure for my days off. Loved going to work, loved my assignment, excelled at work and constantly overachieved. For personal satisfaction. Not for recognition. I had fun at work, laughed out loud every single day. Tried not to pee in my pants many times, and felt like I didn't have a care in the world. Then my life changed. My boss retired, I got a new one, he replaced our whole staff, I didn't know how my new assignment would fit into my family life, I had lots of pressure to make it work and the choice really wasn't mine. I had to ask for help. For those of you that know me personally, this is one thing I am not good at. I have always been the self proclaimed "work horse" I could do anything, even after my C Sections, I didn't ask for help, I work through colds, sickness, bad weather, death in the family, etc. Asking for help, is not what I do. All in all, everything worked out. My best friend MO asked for help for me. She got it, I got the assignment I needed, and everything worked out according to plan. I had an 8 week old at home, had just returned to work and my father in law was dying of lung cancer. Thank God it all worked out. I thank God for her every single night in my prayers and pray for her every single time I get a spare moment. She is the true definition of friend. She is loyal and kind. She is caring and trusting, she is one of the only people that know the real me. The good, bad and the ugly if you will. She was sent by God to be my best friend in this life. I couldn't ask for a better one if I custom created her myself. So into the Cancer Journey I went.......
Monday, November 22, 2004
Nervous
I have so many things going on with work and home right now, I am not sure which direction things are going to go. I am not going to get the shift of my choice so I must find another location that can work for my family. I am really happy working where I am now and I don't want to give that up. I finally have some normalcy in my life right now, it's what I have been craving for years. Now another thing is changing and I am not happy. I feel like it is always me that has to do the changing. No one else in this family has it any different. Things are always the same for them. I so want to be a normal, regular person without any drama in my life. It seems as though it is always one thing or another with me. I would be so happy to have a boring, predictible, normal life. I don't think that is ever going to happen. Drama seems to find me all the time.
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