My boss is an asshole

Let's just say we have a contract to govern us and he just does whatever the hell he wants to. If you file a grievance with the union, it's suicide. Because he has the power to fuck with you. And he will. I am counting the days to his mandatory retirement because we know that wishing death, a slow and nasty death on someone would be bad for Karma. I would never think it. But there are many people who I know ARE thinking it for me. So I don't have to. LOL

I will throw a party the day that asshole puts in his papers. A damn big party.

I am blessed

These are my kids. Aren't they sweet? I know how lucky I am to still be around for them. I have had several people close to me get diagnosed with Cancer and die, quickly. It's amazing to me that it happens so fast. It also makes me count my blessings and know that God has bigger plans for me.

Merry Christmas everyone. God Bless you all.

Five Months Later

Jeez! You would think that I would take the time and post the results. NO. I didn't.

On March 11, 2005 I found out that I am CANCER FREE. It was a little weird going through the process. I finished my scans after waiting for two hours. Sitting around talking to all the other cancer patients in the waiting room. They come in and tell me. Come with me. There is a problem. I freaked out. They made me wash my hair because they said something showed up around my neck and wanted to make sure it wasn't in my hair. Nevermind that it was 40 degrees outside and they didn't have a blowdryer. They also didn't have shampoo, a comb or any towels. I washed my hair in one of the scanning room sinks with a bar of soap and blotted dry with paper towels. LOL. They re-scanned me and then sent me back to the waiting room. After another whole HOUR, they came in and got me. They had gotten DH from the big waiting room and talked to us in the HALLWAY. It's GONE. No more cancer! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. DH was a little confused as to my new hairstyle and asked what the hell happened. I guess what happened was that when I left my babies in the morning, I was crying. Crying because I hoped that it was good news I was going to tell them. Crying because I hoped that I wouldn't have to go straight to the hospital for another round of treatment. I would have had to been away from them for another 2 weeks. Crying because I couldn't kiss them or hug them goodbye. When I cried, I wiped my tears on my face because I didn't have a tissue. Well DUH the tears are radioactive and stayed there and showed up on my scan. Who knew? LOL

Bottom line is, it's GONE. Hopefully that will be the end of it. Now I really need to get my self together and get the weight off. I joined a gym and started running on the treadmill every day before work. I get up an extra hour before work and get moving. I am really starting to see the difference. I have never been fat my entire life, and I am tired of shopping in the Big Girl section when I need something from the store. I will do it.

I also promise to keep blogging. I think it's good therapy. I am feeling better everyday and it makes me proud to say I am a Cancer Survivor.

Thats all for now. Thanks to my friends and family who have dealt with the evil bitch that I was for so long. Hopefully that's all over now and I can be happy once again!!!

M

The results

I will make this the cliff notes version because it's hard to stuff a years worth of stuff into a few posts. I will touch on the important parts.

January 10th. Biopsy. It hurt like hell. I got limited information about Cancer. Dr said she really doesn't get into depth when we don't know the facts. Told me it would be a few days for the results. She would call with them. She would tell me what it is and then if it's cancer, she will have me come into the office the following day and discuss it in depth. She believes that getting a phone call that you have cancer cancels out anything else that might be said right after that. She is right. THat is all you hear. Of course after not being able to move for a long time, I went right to my friend the computer and looked up my kind of Cancer. Papillary. The good one. It's kind of funny that a cancer can be good. This one is. It's a 95% cure rate. The treatment while a pain in the ass, doesn't make you sick or make your hair fall out. I was happy. I love my hair. I might be heavier than I should be but I LOVE MY HAIR. I was happy to know it wasn't going anywhere. My childhood friend who is a MD put it in perspective for me. He said if he had to choose a Cancer for his new wife, Papillary Thyroid Cancer would be his choice. It made me feel so much better. Off to the Doc we went. She explained the treatment, a total thyroidectomy followed by Radioactive Iodine Therapy. I now know how come cancer patients feel. Even if the Doc says they can't take it out. I WANT IT OUT. I WANT IT OUT NOW, if you can get it out today, it's not soon enough for me. TAKE IT OUT NOW!~!!! It doesn't belong in there. LOL
This was the 13th of January and God love her she got me scheduled for the 23rd of January. I was so happy. Long story short, got it out, it didn't spread anywhere, got Radioactive Iodine and got back to my life. This is where tomorrow comes in. I have been living my life day to day waiting for this day. This day that finally happens tomorrow. This day is significant. I will never forget it my whole life. It's my one year mark. The news I am hoping for will be that I am CLEAN. That they will see me next year. That I am Cancer Free. I can't really put into words how much those words would mean to me. They will give me......ME. The carefree me who doesn't live life waiting for the other shoe to drop every day. The happy go lucky me who loves life, loves her job, loves her family like crazy, is spontaneous and funny. Who lives the same life she always has. The only little change would be the little pill I take every morning. I don't have a Thyroid, and need to take it every day for the rest of my life. That I can do. That's pretty easy if you ask me.
So that is where I am today. Thinking positive. All while having nightmares about some pretty freaky unrealated to cancer stuff. Not being able to kiss, hug or touch anyone in my house. Using my own bathroom and staying away from everyone. ( I had my low dose of Radioactive Iodine which is absorbed by my body over two days and will seek out and hang out in any Thryoid Cells which may be lurking in my body) Please join with me in the hope that they are ALL GONE. I would love to be done with treatment for an entire YEAR. If this first scan is clean, the rest looks good.
I won't go into anything else until I get the results tomorrow!!!!
I wan't ME back. I really want ME back. A negative scan will give me ME back. I have missed her more than anything in the whole wide world. :) I will have a party to welcome her back too. Because I know that my friends and family have missed HER while she was away hiding. :D

My annual physical

Since losing my father in September 2000 to colon cancer, annual physicals are as important to me as the air that I breathe. I have two small children and a good life. If there is anything I can do to prolong this happy life, I am willing and able to do it. November 2004. I went for my physical. I LOVE my doctor. I have seen him for years. I put him in charge of my father when he was dying and he helped me with it so easily. He ran the standard blood tests, took my BP and pulse, told me I needed to lose the weight that I put on with my kids, and checked my neck. He felt something. Said it was small, and if it was anything bad they would just take it out. I LOVE his style. People might be offended by it but I love a Doctor that just tells that truth. ( I remember him saying to me when my dad was sick. " You do know he is dying, right?" I did, strangely enough I knew before any test result came back that told me he was. I felt it in my heart and I know that my father did too.) Anyway, back to me. He sent me for an ultrasound it wasn't good. Funny how God seems to hook me up though. I got to asking the tech what the next step was. He said biopsy. I asked him if he knew anyone who had one and if it was painful. We got to talking about how I am a Police Officer and I can handle stepping in blood, getting it all over me, watch the hospital crack a check and do cardiac massage see brain matter smashed on a wall etc. I just can't see a needle enter my skin. LOL. He told me his best friend in life was a Detective. I said really where? My hubby is a Detective. ( mind you we have 13,000 police in the city) He said 51st and Wentworth. I said my hubby too. I asked what his friends name was and if I weren't laying down on the table, I would have fallen down. His best friend in life was my husbands partner. Go figure. Thanks God. So I think he was a little more open in telling me about what he saw, and what he thought would be the process. He told me no matter how many people told me it wouldn't hurt that it would. I was so happy to have the truth. The whole encounter was amazing to me. I felt good knowing the real story of the next step. The hardest part was waiting for the biopsy to get scheduled. Because of the holidays, I couldn't get an appointment until January 10th. It nearly drove me crazy. I read everything I could on the internet regarding Thryoid Nodules and Cancer. Every type, every kind, what could happen, what to look for, what the treatment is, what the cure rate is, etc etc. I was ARMED to the teeth with information by the time I went for my biopsy. I also had that secret little knowledge that I think some people choose to ignore. I KNEW it was cancer. I didn't tell anyone, I kept it inside. I cried about it secretly, I prayed every night about it. I asked for the strength when it was confirmed. I asked for my family to be strong and OK with the news. I just knew and it was strange.

It's been a year

I can't believe I haven't blogged in a year. I kept meaning to get back here. It's not that nothing has been going on, I think it's too much has and finding the time to write it all out, just hasn't existed. After weeks of waiting for my TSH levels to be high enough for my one year scan, Praise God they are. I was beginning to feel like I was in the movie GroundHog Day. I was having the same week over and over and over again for an entire month. I am currently undergoing my small dose of Radioactive Iodine Treatment for my scan which is tomorrow. I have been waiting patiently for this day for 379 days. Tomorrow will finally be the day that I find out if my cancer is gone, has returned, or has spread somewhere else. I get a WBS and should find out right after the scan what the story is. I can't explain the emotions involved in something like this. When I was told last year that I had cancer. My whole life changed. Some ways good, some bad. I definately started taking the time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy each day with my children but I also found my self less patient than I had ever been. I thank God that my friends and family have seen the changes, and called me on them. Let me explain...... Before cancer, I was bubbly, happy, carefree and fun. I loved life, couldn't wait to wake up in the morning, always wanted to find an adventure for my days off. Loved going to work, loved my assignment, excelled at work and constantly overachieved. For personal satisfaction. Not for recognition. I had fun at work, laughed out loud every single day. Tried not to pee in my pants many times, and felt like I didn't have a care in the world. Then my life changed. My boss retired, I got a new one, he replaced our whole staff, I didn't know how my new assignment would fit into my family life, I had lots of pressure to make it work and the choice really wasn't mine. I had to ask for help. For those of you that know me personally, this is one thing I am not good at. I have always been the self proclaimed "work horse" I could do anything, even after my C Sections, I didn't ask for help, I work through colds, sickness, bad weather, death in the family, etc. Asking for help, is not what I do. All in all, everything worked out. My best friend MO asked for help for me. She got it, I got the assignment I needed, and everything worked out according to plan. I had an 8 week old at home, had just returned to work and my father in law was dying of lung cancer. Thank God it all worked out. I thank God for her every single night in my prayers and pray for her every single time I get a spare moment. She is the true definition of friend. She is loyal and kind. She is caring and trusting, she is one of the only people that know the real me. The good, bad and the ugly if you will. She was sent by God to be my best friend in this life. I couldn't ask for a better one if I custom created her myself. So into the Cancer Journey I went.......