Hard to believe that it is. Don't know exactly how to tell people again.
My cancer is back. I have a cyst in my neck. My Lymph nodes are questionable.
I can't actually believe that it is happening to me......AGAIN.
So much for cancer changing your life and making you a better person. I guess you still need to be challenged over and over again.
Me.....can't stop crying. Totally out of character for me. I am an emotional person but this is getting crazy. I don't know if I have the strength to handle this AGAIN.
January 4th I started working the midnight shift. I didn't have enough time on the job for days and missed the bid by one person. This might all change in April but right now it's not a big concern of mine.
I was due to have my scan February 9th and was gearing up with DR appts, babysitting scheduling, time off of work. Etc. There was a little snafu with my DR. My GP said he could handle it but it turns out he couldn't so I needed to quickly find an Endocronologist. I did, got in to see her quickly and she recommended that I have a neck ultrasound since I had a year off from testing. (normal procedure for someone with a clean scan at the one year mark)
Had the ultrasound on the 24th. Had to go by myself because Jack got sick and Tim had to stay home with him. We both thought I would be fine because I would go and they wouldn't find anything. WRONG. I just was in shock. I was told I have some residual thyroid tissue and a cyst on the left side of my neck, and some questionable lymph nodes on the right. A triple whammy. Now I have done my fair share of research. I know what is possibly going to happen. My little scar that has healed so nicely and people don't even notice anymore? I have a feeling it's going to get opened up again. The question is how far? With the lymph nodes, I believe that they do a radical neck dissection to remove them. It's exactly how bad it sounds. RADICAL.
So now I sit like a crazy woman waiting for the DR to call and give me the game plan. I don't know if I will still do the regular testing that is scheduled or if I will have to go off my meds and push back the date of the testing. Either way, I will be crazy until I know what is going on with me and what the course of treatment is. Doesn't that sound like fun.
Again, I am withdrawing from life. It's how I handled it last time. Having to tell the story with all the facts and answer 1000 questions from people just isn't something I am able to do. It's 2 days later and I still can't talk to my husband or my mom without becoming a blubbering fool at some point during the conversation. It makes me mad that I have to "NEED" people. I would like to think that I can handle anything myself. The bottom line is I can't. Not anymore. How confusing is it when you need people but you push them away? I guess I don't want people to see me this way. Weak.... questioning my faith......sad.......... Where is that boring life that I wished for in the New Year? Where is my boring uneventful life that I would accept in a hearbeat. Why is my life so filled with DRAMA?
I am having a really hard time right now. I am not on speaking terms with God. I discussed this with Tim and he was nice enough to reach out to our parish priest who should be calling me in the next few days so that I can go see him. I am mad at God. I have never questioned his game plan for me. When I got cancer I saw it as a chance to change the things about myself that I didn't like. Enjoy life. Be more patient with my kids. Enjoy every moment that I have with them. Kiss them often. Tell people I love that I love them. Everyday. Be a person that my children will be proud of. Be kind to others. All of the time. I really am proud of the person that I have become. How cancer has changed me for the better. How I never take anything for granted. Now I sit and think what a good person I am and I am still being punished.
That is how it feels. Punishment. What evil thing have I done in the past to deserve this? I know it doesn't make sense to feel this way but it is what I am thinking. I know this will change. It did last time. But last time my "pity party" lasted one day. Now I am on Day 2 and it's still going on. I don't know why. I am afraid that this time I won't be taking things so well. I was so proud that I was going to hit the 3 year cancer free mark. Guess I feel like a failure. I have done everything the DR has told me to do. I faithfully take my meds, I get tested regularly. I keep on top of my blood levels. Yet, it doesn't seem to have made a difference.
Will update when I hear more from the DR. Keep my family in your prayers please.
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