Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you!

Today is my Dad's Birthday. Just another day that I miss him more than anything!
It will be 7 years that he is gone this September and it still makes me sad.

I tried to dig out a photo of him but I don't have any on my computer. Perhaps I can ask my mom to scan one and I can edit this post later.

Happy Birthday Dad! Love you and miss you and know that you would be CRAZY for your Grandchildren.

XOXOX
Mar

S-U-C-C-E-S-S That's the way we spell success!

Ok, so it's not a song. It's a cheer. Heck 10 years of cheerleading, I am not surprised I remember most of the cheers.

Onward. Went to the Doc for a follow up yesterday. With the numbers being the way they are, he could actually say surgery was a SUCCESS!!!!!

My PTH after surgery was 33 and my Calcium 8.2. Follow up calcium yesterday was 9.0. Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

They gave me copies of all the operative and pathology reports. YUCK. It sounds so nasty when you read it. He sent 4 things to path, in laymans terms it was parathyroid tissue from both sides, a few lymph nodes and a little thymus thrown in. LOL. I didn't know what thymus was until I looked it up. It produces hormones which help run your immune system. Hope they left some in me. :(

I am feeling good. Still tired but not tired like I was when I was hyperparathyroid so that's a good sign. Scar looks GREAT.

Photo attached!

Update (sorry I was really tired)

I have been trying to find the energy to update since I got home from the Hospital. What I have been doing instead. SLEEPING. Popping Tylenol #3's. LOL

I will try to make this a cliff notes version because it was so horrible, I could type for days.

I went in at 0800 for my shot. That was quick and painless. Then I had to go to the family waiting room, fill out some paperwork and wait for them to call me. What both my husband and I noticed there is the people waiting in that room really have no idea how to behave. Half the room was talking and laughing very loud. The other half was climbing behind couches and chairs in order to plug in their laptops so that they could do their "all important can't miss an hour of two of work no matter who is having surgery" work. LOL. I was more pissed about the noise level of the room. Patients are mixed in with the families people. When I am nervous, I don't want to hear 100 different personal conversations. I want peace and quiet. Shouldn't these people waiting here do so quietly while they are nervously waiting for news about their loved ones? I think it should be enforced by the ladies who run the room. Quiet talking, reading, watching TV. Not shouting, yelling, laughing really loud. (see how I went off there? lol)

So right when I asked how long it would be so Tim and I could take a walk and get away from the noise they called me in back.

A nursing student and a resident along with a nurse asked me the same questions that were on the paperwork that I just filled out. They started my IV and we waited for the anesthesiologist to come talk to me. We waited, and waited and waited. They paged him and paged him and paged him. Come to find out he was waiting in the hallway outside the operating room with a bunch of students and I would talk to him as I rolled past. At 10:30 I remember him asking me if I had any questions, I remember him saying they were giving me something to relax, and then ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I don't remember anything until I woke up pissed off and in a lot of pain at 4:00. I was in recovery, and my nurse was a bitch. It was loud as hell in there with nurses and workers laughing and joking. I wonder if they realize how hard it is to wake up and concentrate when there is so much unnecessary noise in the background. Guess they don't. So here is where the story could get really long but I won't let it. I yelled at my nurse. Told her I wanted to talk to the Doc or my husband that they were treating me like crap. (waited an hour for the bedpan (twice) and got ice chips 2X's in 5 hours) Had no idea what happened in surgery, and wanted to know. They got my husband on the phone and I told him, make them take me to my room, or take me home. NOW. After I yelled at my nurse she ignored me for 2 hours. All total I was in recovery for 5 hours. They couldn't seem to find me my bed. Ya know the one I reserved 2 weeks prior? Man was I pissed. When you feel like crap you don't want to be in a room with 20 other people who feel like crap. You want your own room.
We got the nurses name and will be writing a nasty letter to the President of the hospital as soon as I feel better.

What happened during surgery? No idea. The doctor told Tim he took some tissue from the left side of my neck and my levels didn't go anywhere. Then he took some tissue from the right side and my TSH went down 50%. I guess there was a ton of scar tissue and it was pretty ugly in there. I don't know if I am down to 2 parathyroids or not. I guess I will find out at my re-check. The Doc said he wasn't happy with the results. He was hoping it would be a little more obvious where the problem was. I guess he mentioned something to Tim about if he had to go in again he would go thru my femoral arteries? Uh Hello? Those are in your legs? No way Jose!

So that's it. Yesterday was the first day I only took some pain pills late in the day. I thought it was a good idea to walk to school with McKenna to pick up Jack. It's only 3 blocks but it was 80 degrees and I guess not so smart after just having surgery. Even McKenna who wanted to walk decided that we should drive home once we got there. LOL. She was pissed when I told her that I didn't have a car there and we would have to walk home. We were all sweaty and tired once we got back home.

It's hard for me to sleep because I can't get comfortable. So I am awake most of the time but I am tired. Go figure. Eventually I will get tired enough that I will be able to sleep and comfort won't matter. LOL

I will be off work til the middle of June. I am going to DC for Police Week on Sunday if I feel well enough and will be back on the 16th.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies out there!!!!

See ya!

Marikay

Today's the day

Couldn't sleep too well. Really nervous. Up since 4:45am. A whole hour earlier than my alarm. Go figure. I am really looking forward to the DRUGS. I will update when I can, or I can explain to my husband how to do it. LOL

See ya!

Here it comes..........................

I haven't been musical in a little while. I guess I have been too tired. LOL

Here is today's song

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here comes your 19th nervous breakdown. I swear I am headed for one.

Surgery set for May 3rd. It's not twilight. It's not outpatient. It's not 40 minute surgery. It's GENERAL translated INTUBATION It's overnight stay and it's 3-4 hours long. Maybe longer. Since I have had surgery on my neck before, he has to dig thru lots of scar tissue. He doesn't know which gland is bad. So he has to dig around. The more time digging around increases the chances of damaging my nerves, vocal cords and or last 3 remaining parathyroids. If he can't find the bad gland, he is closing me up and will try again in 6 months. How fun does that sound?:
I am not happy :( Everything I thought it would be....it isn't. Hopefully he will find the bad gland and this will be my last next surgery. Everyone who looks at my neck can't even tell I had surgery. Guess that will all change now. :(

So I am trying to stay positive. I AM TIRED. REAL TIRED.

Today I had lidocane sprayed down my nose so the ENT could stick the big 10 inch little tube up my nose and down to see my vocal cords. That was fun. NOT. They look fine he said. It tasted like shit, LOL and made me numb for an hour. Not to mention that I went to my next 3 doctors appointments with snot running down my face. LOL

Had physical and check up at the surgeons office. Then off to anesthesia to discuss the game plan. I requested a private room. I don't like to see strangers when I am not feeling well. :)

SO that's it for now. I am nervous all over again. I hate GENERAL, I thought I could avoid it.

Happy Birthday to me this Friday. :)

Ok so I am stupid

I thought I wasn't nervous about today but I guess I am. I couldn't fall asleep last night, I had straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange dreams, and when I saw my clock said 4:50am I jumped out of bed to shut off the alarm before it went off. I tiptoed downstairs and took a shower. Contemplated leaving my hair wet because after reading email til 5:30 I thought I would never be ready in 30 minutes. ROFL. DUH. I thought until 5 minutes ago I had to leave at 0600. I don't. I have to leave at 0700. Damn, there goes an hour of my life I will never get back. LOL.
So I figured I would get back on the computer while my hot rollers cooled. Now what will I do with the next 40 minutes? It's hard to do anything when the whole house including the dog is sleeping. Not the first time I have done this either. Well I guess it's better to be EARLY.
Will update when I get home.

XOXOXOXO
Marikay

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Surgery Set

I will be having surgery on May 3rd. My MRI showed NOTHING. But according to the nurse my numbers are bad enough that surgery is the right thing to do right now.

I am a little nervous. I hope it's a small incision. I was finally comfortable with my old scar not showing at all. Hope I heal by the time the warm weather comes.

I haven't told my boss yet but will talk to him soon about it. I am hoping I am only off a few weeks to heal and then will probably ask for desk duty for a few weeks after that.

I don't want to fight with anyone not being 100%. Although I work in a slow district where my day mostly consists of traffic stops and reports, you never know. The other day I had to fight with a mental and 10 firemen and an off duty guy had to help me get him handcuffed. Once in the back of my car he tried to kick my windows out and when we put him in the paddy wagon, he was banging his head really hard against the metal door. NUT JOB. LOL

I will post again after the MD appts next week and let you all know what the game plan is.

Went to see WICKED last night. AWESOME!!!!

TTFN

Marikay

MRI

Had my MRI on Wednesday. Assuming that I will find out the results on Monday or Tuesday. Surgery is scheduled for May 3rd. The Doctor replaced his nurse. (thank GOD) The MRI sucked. I tried to pretend it was a tanning bed. Sometimes when I lay completely flat I find that it's hard for me to breathe. Don't know if that is a side effect of surgery.

The clinic called me and told me I have the following appointments on the 23rd of April.

0830 ENT. Going to attempt to look at my vocal cords and see if they are functioning properly. Told me they can do it really easily if I don't have a strong gag reflex. ( I DO) The woman said if I do they will spray something in my throat and then stick a little camera down there. Sounds easy enough.

0900 Surgeon. She said check up and physical. I just had one, plus a whole body scan, an MRI a Sestimibi scan and a shitload of bloodwork. I am wondering what else they need to check. LOL

1000 Anesthesia. Last time they made my appointment, I showed up, the Doc came to talk to me and then I went to surgery. I guess I don't mind them being anal about every little detail. This will be radio-guided minimally invasive surgery. The incision should be a few CM. I will not be under general, I will have a twilight sleep and I was jumping for joy because last time the only thing that bothered me was my throat from being intubated. HOORAY!!!!!

Will update when I have something to add. :)

Happy Easter everyone. I am working, hopefully no one will be fighting with their families. I hate to arrest people on a HOLIDAY. LOL

FRUSTRATED

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

So since I have last posted I have also had to get my pathology and operative reports MYSELF and fax them to the Doctor. Don't they get paid big bucks to have people who are paid to do this. Why am I the idiot running around getting records? Especially since I signed a release that allowed THEM to obtain all my records.

I emailed the DR because I haven't heard from the nurse(she is really unorganized) He responded with this:

I will ask **** to check for your operative and pathology reports and let you know if we have them. I have not seen them yet. I have reviewed the sestamibi scans and the ultrasound that you previously had done. The reports suggested something that might be a parathyroid gland on the left side, but on my review of the films, I am much less certain that what we are seeing is the abnormal parathyroid gland. I would like to have you get an MRI of your neck so that I can try to have a greater degree of certainty about what we are seeing on the ultrasound and sestamibi scan. As we discussed when I saw you in the office, because of your prior surgery, you will have scar tissue in the neck making identification of parathyroid glands difficult. As a result, I need to have a high degree of certainty that I know where the abnormal parathyroid gland is prior to going to the operating room. If the MRI is not convincing, we will need to go on to other localization tests. I am sorry that this is not a simple prospect, but I really want to know where to look for the abnormal parathyroid prior to surgery.


Now call me paranoid since the whole Cancer issue but WTF does I am much less certain that what we are seeing is the abnormal parathyroid gland. GEEZ! I thought if you had a High PTH number you are guaranteed to have a bad parathyroid. Now I am thinking that something ELSE is growing in my neck. I guess I will have the MRI of my neck and we will figure it all out.

My hopes for having surgery and being healed by the warm weather are starting to look pretty grim. :(

I will update when I have the MRI results. Hope I don't have to run and get the record and deliver it to the DR office. I. JUST. MIGHT. SNAP. LOL

Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day!

I went out with some friends last night and had a GREAT time.

Laughed my ass off, met some nice people, saw a few old friends. Really. Great. Time.

Forgot to post that I went to the Surgeon on Monday and he wanted to see my Scans and Neck Ultrasound before he determined if he was going to go in. I am down to 3 parathyroids and he said he would like to be sure he can tell which one is the bad one. Every time you do this surgery, you have some risks. He will bring in a vocal cord expert to look and make sure that both my vocal cords are functioning properly. My mom mentioned to me a few months ago that I clear my throat pretty often. Doesn't bother me but I guess it can be irritating to others. LOL

Haven't heard back from him yet. Tim was nice enough to run to Northwestern and pick up the film and CD and deliver it to the MD. Guess he really is a busy man and hopefully I will hear something from him this week. His nurse did pencil me in for surgery on April 19th so that if he decides he will do surgery now, I won't have to wait two months to get a date scheduled. It's not that I am vain or anything but I would like to be healed before my trip to DC for Police Week 2007 and Michigan in July. Healed as in minimal redness and swelling. I just want to get it out of the way because I know I will feel so much better when I have it done. And believe me I would like to feel better.

I will update again when I hear from the Doctor. If anyone wants to call or get together, I am feeling much more social now.

More later....

Update

So I went to the Endo the other day. (who I LOVE by the way) She is really pretty anal about covering all the bases. I went for Vitamin D labs and am scheduled for a sestimibi scan next week. I asked her to look up my records because last time was such a blur I don't remember if I had a sestimibi. I did. It indicated nothing. But I did have an adenoma on a parathyroid and they removed one. So regardless of what the scan shows, I think they will be going back in to look for the bad one.
My calcium is holding at 10.1. My PTH is 113. My TSH is is .0937and my Tg is under .02 I am adding an extra pill a week to get that TSH under 9 where she would like it to be.

I am going to a different hospital to see a surgeon. My surgeon retired from surgery and does only research now. Her boss switched hospitals and he is really good. I think I would be more comfortable with him rather than the 3rd choice in the Dept at Northwestern. I guess it's going to be radio-guided minimally invasive surgery which sounds great to me. My biggest complaint was the sore throat from being intubated. Not the surgical site at all.

That's all for me. I am tired, really really tired. So tired that it's hard to function. Guess that all in the disease. I am still working midnights which make it even worse. I feel like I am never getting enough sleep.

I will update again when I have more info. And if I can figure out how to post a video, I have a really cute video of McKenna singing.

Ta Ta for Now!!!!

CANCER FREE CANCER FREE

Someone please pinch me. I am Thyroid Cancer free! The doctor just called to tell me I had a negative scan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't believe it.

I do have a parathyroid problem I flunked my 24 hour urine and assume I will subjected to a sestamibi scan and then Parathyroid surgery. How bad are my numbers? I don't know and she won't tell me anything until I see her. The bad news is that I can't get in to see her until the 23rd. I asked for this to be bumped up to ASAP and am still waiting to hear back from her.

No residual thyroid tissue, no lymph node involvement. YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I can't believe she even said those words. I am so excited.

On the other hand, I know I will have to have surgery for sure so that isn't very exciting. My scar was looking really good darn it. Now I get to start all over again in that department. Also at the back of my brain is the rare possibility that it might be parathyroid cancer. It's rare but does happen. I am going to hope for the best right now until I hear otherwise!!!!!

I can't think of a song to label this post. LOL My brain is cooked. Oh well maybe my sense of humor will return tomorrow. :)

I'm RADIOACTIVE

RADIOACTIVE
The Firm

Well I'm not uptight
Not unattracted
Turn me on tonight
Cause I'm radioactive
Radioactive

There's not a fight
And I'm not your captive
Turn me loose tonight
Cause I'm radioactive
Radioactive

LOL, do we see a trend here? I swear everything I am feeling has a song to go with it.

This song reminds me of my first go round with RAI. LOL.
For those of you not "hip" to the Thyca stuff, yesterday I was given a small dose of Radioactive Iodine. I am officially RADIOACTIVE GIRL. I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. ROFL. Not really. But I am radioactive for my scan tomorrow.
I go in at 0715 which really means they will get to me about 0830. They are never on time, and they NEVER seem to keep you updated on how late they are actually running. Go figure.

Yesterday I had to go to the lab and drop off my pee. (24 hour urine for calcium and creatinin) and stopped at the bakery to get the lab girls some muffins. They are so nice and for the most part painless. I have come to know them all by their first names, they know all about my job, my kids, etc. Guess you can develop a relationship with them after several years and a jillion blood draws later. LOL
They were so excite to get the box. (muffins not pee) They all called me and left me a message thanking me because no one ever does anything nice for them. I am officially VIP there so no waiting for me from now on. :) See it pays to be nice.
After leaving the lab, I had to take the elevator down to 2 to take a different elevator up to 8. Sounds stupid but one elevator goes from LL - 13 and the other 14-21 you can take the 14-21 down but it doesn't stop anywhere but 2 for the parking garage and then the lobby. ( am I rambling?) I then jumped into an elevator to go up to 8. We started to move and then heard the announcement...."we are experiencing minor technical difficulties". Minor HAH! I was stuck in that elevator for 30 minutes. Of course I was cracking jokes because the other ladies seemed a little nervous. One was late for work and the other late for her procedure like me. When they finally pried the doors open we had to jump down about 4 feet. I wasn't nervous because we were stuck between 2 and 1 not too far to fall if it did. Plus I was used to falling elevators since the old elevator at Police Headquarters would fall just about everyday. Was interesting to see the prisoners reaction because it really used to catch them off guard. LOL I was telling my partner about my day yesterday and she said, "your life could be a sitcom" ROFL, and she is right.

I probably won't get any results from my scan tomorrow until Monday so I won't be holding my breath. I do know from last time not to cry because my tears are radioactive and when you wipe them on your neck it makes the scan look BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD

So goodnight all from RadioactiveGIRL.
Now Britney Spears "TOXIC" is running through my brain.

One Down One to Go

LOL. Is this Marikay's musical journey through cancer?

I really wasn't thinking of this song until I titled the post. Now it's running through my head.

One down one to go
Another town and one more show...

If you don't know it, it's Leave it by Yes. Now hopefully someone else will have it running through their brain today and it will leave mine.

Leaving for the hosptial in an hour and a half. I was up EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLY with a bad stomach. Don't know if it's from the shot or from the crap I ate yesterday. :) Another shot in the butt, (the bandaid coming off hurt worse) another poke in the arm (pregnancy test) and I should be home to rest. I am really hoping that the second shot isn't what kicks in and makes you feel like crap. LOL. I don't really want to feel like crap yet. The pregnancy test thing is funny. I know it's state law regulated by the government but my tubes were tied almost 4 years ago. Not pregnant. Not going to get pregnant. Just funny that they keep checking. What is another needle stick to a Thyroid Cancer patient? NOTHING. I am the human pin cushion. Blood draws don't bother me at all. Hell, I could probably do my own by now.

Talked to my mom yesterday. Apologized for getting mad at her when all she is trying to do is help. She pointed something out to me. I joke about my cancer and treatment all the time and I get upset when someone else does. She is exactly right. I guess the humor helps ME feel better. I own the cancer. Therefore I own the right to joke about it. :) Right? Not exactly. I know that cancer effects the entire family and circle of friends. I know that everyone is involved in it. Worried about it. Thinking about it.

If you are reading and you haven't called because I emailed that I couldn't talk. I am ok now to talk. If you want to call and check up on me please do. If you call my house and I am not home, ask for my cell phone number.

I will be going for my Low Dose tomorrow and then off to a hotel for overnight. On Thursday I will be going to my mom's to hang out for the day and then bring her home with me. She is the babysitter for Friday while I get scanned. The lonely part is about to begin. No one near me for a few days. It makes you appreciate how important touching is in our lives. Hugs,holding hands, a touch on the cheek, these are all things that people take for granted. Ask someone who has/had Thyroid Cancer and RAI treatment. I bet they don't. Not one hug, not one hand, not one touch.

Cancer really can be an eye opener, it makes you realize what is important in life. It makes you LIVE your life differently. It makes you appreciate what you have. It makes you count your blessings.

When I was one year out (cancer free) Tim the kids and I did the Northwestern Memorial Hospital Cancer Walk. It was a goal for me to get there. It was a goal for me to feel well enough to do it. We did it. For me. For my Dad. For Tim's Dad. For us. I can't help remember who walked with us. Family members wore white T-shirts, survivors wore Purple. As we walked I was amazed at who wore the Purple shirts. Grandmas, Moms, really young Moms, Black, White, Asian,Hispanic, Young, Old, CHILDREN and me. I realized at that point that Cancer chooses EVERYONE. It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, or what color your skin is. Every type of person I could think of was there, in that group. It opened my eyes. Maybe next year after a clean scan I will do the walk again.

Love each other. Life is precious. Hug, kiss, touch each other. Today. No one is guaranteed tomorrow.

Updated photo

Christmas 2006. Look at the difference in them. They are growing sooooooooooo fast.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
Dont let it kill you baby, dont let it get to you


This is my theme song of the day. LOL. Tomorrow starts the week of waiting.
The schedule is Monday- Thyrogen shot
Tuesday - Thyrogen shot
Wednesday - Low dose of Radioactive Iodine
Thursday - Nothing
Friday - Scan I am sure I won't have the results until Monday.
I also have to squeeze in my bloodwork somewhere during the week since I asked the DR a week and a half ago to send the order to my house so I can go to the local lab instead of driving all the way to the hospital and paying for parking. When did it arrive? Yesterday. At 2pm. What time does the local lab close? 1pm. ROFL. Perfect timing. Now that I will be spending 4 out of 5 days at the hospital, I might as well get it done there. Why make an additional trip to the lab now when the hospital has a lab. LOL

I got mad at my mom today. After Wednesday I should keep my distance from everyone especially the kids. I was trying to figure out how this will be best to do and I was talking about where I will decide to keep myself. She suggested the basement. Is this crazy or what? I am the one with CANCER. I am the one who is stressed out beyond belief. I am the one who will be feeling like total DOGSHIT. I am the one who should be treated nice. Guess today is where being lonely starts. No one can come near me, no one can comfort me, no one can really understand unless they have been there. Yes folks it's true. At the lowest point in your life, you aren't allowed to touch anyone. No one can hug you or hold your hand. When you cry, your tears are Radioactive. Isn't that sad. It makes me really very sad and lonely. I am thinking about possibly going to stay at a hotel or something so that no one is freaked out about it. I didn't have to do that 2 years ago but I guess with McKenna being older, it might be harder to keep her away from me. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I will just go stay at my mom's house. It just really sucks that the when you need the people around you the most, you can't be around them.

So sing it with me now everyone...........................
The waiting is the hardest part....................every day you get one more card......... :)

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Working midnights sucks. It's 7 degrees outside and I have to be out in the cold. LOL
Luckily I caught two burglars and I was able to get myself inside for a few hours processing their arrests. Thank God for that. It was cooooooooooooooooooooooold out there.

Talked to my friend the Ear Nose Throat guy. Said I shouldn't worry about a thing until after my scans. Recommended I have additional scanning too. Sounds like a Parathyroid problem. Told him I don't want to have to fly to Indy so that he can treat me. LOL

I am counting down the days til my scan. Hopefully it won't take forever to get my results.

Keep praying!

Up Early, Can't sleep

The kids went to my mom's yesterday on an overnight. She hasn't seen them in quite some time so I ran them out for an overnight with her. They love going to Grandma's house. For some reason yesterday they kept asking, " Can we go to your mom's house today?" LOL

Jack overheard us talking about the cancer and doesn't quite get it yet. He said, " I don't want Mom to go into the hospital" and " I don't want Mom to be sick" and this breaks my heart. I don't think he quite understands that Mommy would never to be sick, nor would she choose to be away from him and his sister besides the occasional night out and my once a year trip to DC for Police Week. I don't like to be away from them. I talk about needing time for myself and then when I am not with them, I miss them too much to enjoy myself.

I took a 3 hour nap on the couch yesterday which I don't recommend. LOL. My neck hurts, my back hurts, and my sleep schedule is officially screwed up. Working midnights and sleeping during the day is fine. But when you try to be like a normal person on your days off and sleep at night it's when you get all screwed up. :) I am not yet adjusted to the new schedule. But I guess that doesn't matter since I am looking at a few months off on the medical. It will give me a chance to hang out ALOT with the kids before I actually have to have surgery and/or treatment. I am just really sad thinking about all of it.

McKenna was 9 months old the last time I went in for treatment. She will be FOUR in May. That's CRAZY. She will miss me this time. I will miss her like crazy. Jack is another story. My heart will break for Jack. He's old enough to start to understand what is going on if we take the time to tell him everything. I am not sure that I want to do that to him. He is so innocent. Almost 6 and I would like to let him think both of his parents will live forever. Just like I thought until I was 30. :) I have told Jack every day since the day after he was born that " I missed you while you slept" it's hard doing it now knowing that I will miss a few weeks of saying that in person.

I am still a crying, blubbering fool. Now I am really angry about this. This isn't me. I am usually sad for a day and then I get up the next and deal with whatever life throws at me. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it this time. I NEVER thought I would be here again. Needing people isn't something that I DO. Letting people help me is so strange. I know that I need to do both of these things but I am really struggling here.

I just almost paid off all the bills from my last treatment, LOL, now I am going to dig another hole. I can't believe how expensive being sick is. Thank God I have insurance. I can't imagine how people with out it or with poor insurance do it. I am only responsible for 10% and it's hard for me to pay it all. What would life be without money problems? I accept the fact that I will never know. My plan is to use my medical time to sell everything in this house that we don't use. Perhaps I can make enough money to pay off all the medical bills as quickly as possible. The way I look at it if it wasn't this......it would be something else.

I keep telling myself, it could be worse. I know that it could.

I am going to hang out for the rest of the day. I think Tim is going to run to my moms and pick up the kids. I might just go out for a drive, but there was a little snow and it's so flipping cold outside I just don't know if I want to go out at all. I also need to figure out how to sleep because I am working tonight. Thank God for my partner Sandy, she certainly makes working midnights fun. We laugh most of the night and time seems to fly by except that last hour.

Thats it for today. Hope everyone has a great day. Lord knows I am trying!!!!!

Mar

The kids

Thought I better update their photo. That other one is from last Christmas. I will post this years Christmas so you can see the difference. This was taken one morning before school. Believe it or not my husband did McKenna's hair. LOL