Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

McKenna at her Christmas Party. Jack at his Christmas Concert

They are what Christmas is for me. This year I am not into Christmas at all. I only went shopping a few days ago. I can't seem to get myself into the season. I know what Christmas means. I am trying to force myself to celebrate. It's just not working and today is Christmas. I am out of time. LOL

The kids went to bed without a peep last night. Knowing that the earlier they went, the sooner Santa would arrive. I told my good friend yesterday that I love that they believe in Santa.

So today for Christmas I got............The Stomach Flu. Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeee it's what I really wanted and hoped for. I have been up since 0400 waiting for the bodily fluid festivities to begin. You know how your stomach sounds like a monster is in there all pissed off? Well that's the phase I am still in. Any minute now things will kick off with what I am sure will be a wonderful day. It's not bad enough that I had a cold for my mom's Christmas party and nothing tasted the same. Now today, I might not be able to enjoy the day at all. :(

I often tell people my life is like Murphy's Law. Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. LOL. I swear I always hope for better. But when the bad stuff happens. I can't say it's unexpected. At least I can laugh through it. I have NEVER lost my sense of humor. Even with cancer. That is what I am most proud of.

So Merry Christmas to all you readers,hope Santa left you something under the tree. Happy Holidays to those who celebrate something else. I can't wait to hear of all the great gifts that people got. I can't wait to see photos of the kids and their loot.

Love to all! Merry Christmas!

You Get the Best of Both Worlds

See the video bar up at the top because the stupid thing wouldn't load here.

I'm Free

Don't be afraid of your freedom
Freedom

I'm free to do what I want any old time
I said I'm free to do what I want any old time

I say love me, hold me
Love me, hold me
'Cause I'm free to do what I want any old time
And I'm free to be who I choose any old time

I say love me, hold me
Love me, hold me
'Cause I'm free to do what I want
To be what I want any old time
And I'm free to be who I choose
To get my booze any old time


LOL. I am back to my song posts.

I am happy, sad, nervous, excited, heartbroken all in one body.

I have worked out of the same station for 8 years. Made many friends. Laughed my ass off. Lost some friends there to cancer, suicide, old age, etc. I will miss everyone. Well, ok not the boss. Karma, he will get what he deserves someday.

So tomorrow is my first day. I know three people in the District. But I work by myself so I have to figure out where I am going on my own.

I am looking foward to a new beginning!!!!!

Cheers everyone. Things are looking up!

4-27

Nothing musical about that. It's what time I got my ass out of bed today. I woke up at 0400 but tried to go back to sleep. I only mention it because it's freaky that when I am usually looking at the clock at home, or work it's 427. Am or Pm doesn't matter. It's my birthday and I always find it strange that 99% of the time I look at the clock it's 427.

So I bid out of my district. I didn't want to do it. I love my 5 minute commute in rush hour but I hate my boss. 15 months until he retires and being on vacation made me realize how much I can't stand to be around him. Not another year. Can't do it.
I start my new district on December 6th. I am really nervous because it's really like starting a new job all over again. At least I know what I am doing. LOL. After 16 years I guess I should. I know I am pretty easy to get along with, so I am looking forward to making new friends. Hope I don't get lost. :)

Yesterday we got together with the family for a wonderful day of playing at Odyssey world in Naperville. We had a great time playing, had pizza, celebrated all the nieces and nephews and cousins Birthdays with cake. My Aunt and Uncle come in for Thankgiving every year and this gives them a chance to see everyone, play with them, and have a great time. I look forward to it all month long. Yesterday Litte Miss Trouble (how fitting that she was wearing a shirt that says Here Comes Trouble) climbed up on the frog hopper ride, and fell off. Not while it was moving, just while everyone was being seated. She complained of pain and asked for her Mommy. I was chatting with my SIL and Uncle in the party room so my hubby brought her to me. She put ice on her "wrist" for over an hour. McKenna is not an ice pack girl. She cries when she gets hurt, puts ice on it for a few minutes and then is off an running again. When she kept the ice on it for so long, I knew it was hurt. We left early (sorry everyone) dropped Tim and Jack at home and off to the ER we went. Luckily I know people there. Going there for work a few times a week pays off when the waiting room is filled with 75 people. There were people in the halls, people stuffed in the triage area, and people waiting outside. It was CRAZY. But for us. 1.5 hours from start to finish. Results: Broken elbow. Poor girl thought it was her wrist. Referred pain. So she has a half cast and a sling. She is currently snoring next to her father. I however was up 100 times overnight to check her and make sure she wasn't sleeping on it. She is usually a roll every 20 minutes sleeper but overnight she didn't move at all. Until 0400. Which is why I am here now. Once I am up, thats all. I am up. :( I am tired already so know I will be taking a nap this afternoon. I have to call the ped this morning and get their referral for an ortho. They have me one at the hospital but I really love my ped and trust their judgement. Guess I will have to run and get the films from the hospital.
So I have tried to attach a photo. It's been awhile but I think I still know what I am doing. :)

Hope everyone is well and had a great Thanksgiving. I didn't take a moment and review everything I am thankful for that day. Being a cancer survivor you do that every single day for the rest of your life. Every single day!

Breath In, Breathe Out, Move On

According to my watch the time is now
Past is dead and gone
Don't try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Don't try to shake it just bow your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

I am so happy to be on vacation. Only 3.5 weeks but it's nice to get away from the boss. I know I have to stop letting him get under my skin but he does. Only 15 months to go and he's GONE!!!!

I am getting so much done around the house I am making myself very tired. The kids are in school all day so I have to do something to keep myself busy.

I went to Waupaca Wisconsin overnight on Saturday and I have to say it's a great little town. My friends and I went to a benefit for my other friends nephew. A great time was had by all. :)

We stopped several times on the way home to look for Wii's, and we were successful thank God.

Tomorrow I am going to a craft show. Just something meaningless to pass some time. Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I won't buy a thing but I love to look.

We bid for straight watches at the end of the month and I should have enough time to get days all on my own. HA HA HA HA HA.

Christmas is coming and I am not in the mood this year. I don't know why. Bah Humbug! Maybe after Thanksgiving I will get in the spirit a little bit.

I have been Tagged!

The rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself: some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them).
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment at their blogs.

7 Random Facts

1. I don't eat seafood. None. Hate it. Now before you lecture me I was in Boston and Maine for a family reunion and tried it all. Don't like it on the East Coast, won't like it anywhere.

2. I am a little shy walking into a room full of strangers. The old skinny me never cared what I looked like or who I knew. Now I am a little shy until I talk to a few people.

3. I come from a Police Family. Brother, Uncle, Aunt, Father. Yep, all stupid like me and took this thankless job that they don't pay me enough to do.

4. I don't have a middle name. Don't know why. LOL. Just don't.

5. My feet changed when I was pregnant. My shoe collection. Gone. Nothing fits.

6. I am a jewelry whore. Not now, but I worked for a Jewelry CO before I got on the job, I have more than anyone should ever own in their lifetime.

7. I am pretty lonely. While I have lots of friends and family. No one is really close geographically. The ones that are, are at different stages in their lives. Not married, no kids, kids way younger than me. Etc. It's pretty hard to find someone to hang out with since all my childhood and school friends are at the opposite end of the city at least 30 miles. In Chicago travel time that could be 40 minutes or 2 hours. Depends on the day and time. LOL My hubby works the opposite shift and I am alone all day in a squad car and then I am alone every night at home. Besides the kids I mean. How does one advertise for new friends at 39 and not come off as a total LOSER. LOL


Who I am tagging.

I don't know how to link them. I am a dork.

Martini - she is a newlywed and might not have the time to respond. WINK WINK


Alaine - because she is funny as heck and will play!



Steph - because it's her birthday



Radioactivegirl because she is my blog twin


Princess Pink Lady because she ROCKS!!!!

Chelle because I love her!

and Boobless Brigade Master because she inspires me. She also blessed me with one of the most wonderful acts of kindess years ago and I will never ever forget!

Everyday is Halloween!

LOL. Ministry? Anyone remember them? I mean besides me.

Happy Halloween to everyone. I ran around today from 8-4, McKenna's Halloween party at school, Jack's field trip to the Nursing Home to visit. I will keep today's post current and then post a few more later this week.

Someone told me to update my blog already. (Hi Tuesday!) When I looked I couldn't believe it's been that long. Shame on me. :)

The kids have been keeping me busy. Both were in soccer which is over. Hooray! McKenna is in Irish Dance, and they are both starting Tae Kwan Do this week. I have no idea when swimming starts but that is pretty soon too. Whew. I am exhausted thinking about all of that. On top of working, activities, dinner and baths, I run from sun up to sun down every single day except the weekend and sadly when they go to bed, so do I. But it's exciting. I am tired, but not complaining. Still happy to be alive every single day running around like a maniac. Glad that I am not sick. Other than tired. I feel pretty good. Happy in fact. Did I say that?
People who know me personally, wouldn't classify me as happy. I don't think. Funny. Definately. :)

So I am going to add some photos. The kids are great. Doing really well in school. Work.....that still blows. 16 months til my boss is forced to retire. Yes, I am counting the days!!!!!

I promise I will post more. Alot has been happening in 2 whole months!

Happy Birthday Steph!!!! Love you!

Where the heck have I been? LOL

Here but too lazy to blog. LOL. After 3 vacations. None which I could afford. (think tuition) I am back to work and busy as heck.

The kids started school last week. Jack is a big first grader, and McKenna junior K.
Full day all week for both of them. I have yet to enjoy the quiet because they had half days on my days off.

Next week, BOTH DAYS are MINE>>>>>>>ALL MINE>>>>>>> :insert evil laugh: LOL

I miss them when they are gone but look forward to uninterruped showers, tubs, laundry, housecleaning, and going to the bathroom. YIPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I am excited thinking about all the things I will be getting done without their help. LOL I don't know what to do first.

Anywho......back to reality. I am working 9-5 which really jacks with my body's schedule. I am used to working 7-3 or 8-4 now I am up at 6, work out and get ready for work. I then sit around for almost 2 hours waiting to go to work. I get home at 5:30 check homework, make dinner, do baths and then try to stay awake until my kids fall asleep.

Both kids are playing soccer again this year. So add soccer practice on Thursday and Soccer games on Saturdays. I am going to register McKenna for Irish Dance and that is Tues or Wed. I hope she can stay awake for dinner after practice.

Today we went to Ralph's World at Ravinia, and then to Medievel Times for the 4pm show. The kids had a ball but are really ready for bed now. :) Me too.

Off to tubby land and then to dreamland.

Hope all is well with everyone!

Will add some photos when I get the energy. :)

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of RUM!

Vacation

Vacation
All I ever wanted
Vacation
Had to get away
Vacation

LOL. It's the GoGo's. But I am happy to report I am now a week away from VACATION. Off to South Haven Michigan for a week, home for Jimmy Buffett and then off again to Lake Ozark. I. Can't. Wait. LOL

The kids are excited too. Jack asked me yesterday when vacation was and I told him only a week away. He just about fell down because he thought it was a long time away. LOL. My mom got him a metal detector to use on the beach so he can't wait to find treasure. (he had a pirate birthday party) Hopefully my little pirate will find something.

I won't be blogging or emailing from Michigan. It's not that kind of vacation. No email, limited cell phone use. Etc. Really getting away from it all. :)

If I don't post before then, everyone have a great week. I know we will.

Speaking of Buffett

Let's see if this works. Just McKenna singing. She is ALWAYS singing something.

I have been MIA

Wow time flies when you have having rum. Just kidding

Summer is in full swing. We took a last minute trip to Sanibel, Florida and had a wonderful time. I am now back to work and boy am I TIRED. LOL

I only work for another week and then I am on VACATION for a month. We are off to South Haven Michigan for a week, then we will sneak in the Jimmy Buffett concert and then we will head off to Lake Ozark Missouri for another week.

Tim only makes half the Michigan trip and not the Missouri trip at all but that's ok. Work is important. The kids have fun anyway. I would rather go without him than not go at all.

South Haven is the beach everyday and blueberry picking and quality time with Grandma.

Missouri is Swimming everyday, a boatride or two from uncle Mike and looking out over the lake from the most amazing house I have ever been in. I am so glad my Aunt and Uncle bought a house there because when they lived in California I only saw them when someone died or got married usually. LOL My family is so small, that I enjoy every second with them. Especially since my Dad died.

My oldest will be 6 tomorrow. Either I have a great memory or it's the same with every mom. I think I remember every single day of his life. :) He is working on his loose tooth so that the tooth fairy can come. He had a great Pirate Party over the weekend and had such a good time. I am truly blessed with a good looking, creative, imaginative, funny, smart, caring little boy. I have told him every single morning " I missed you while you slept" and I have meant it. The kids keep me going and going and test my patients some of the time but when I am up early and the house is quiet, I can't wait for them to wake up and tell me " good morning mommy" It's the greatest feeling in the world.

Happy Monday to everyone. I hear someone creeping down the stairs now. I need to go claim my hug and kiss. :)

Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you!

Today is my Dad's Birthday. Just another day that I miss him more than anything!
It will be 7 years that he is gone this September and it still makes me sad.

I tried to dig out a photo of him but I don't have any on my computer. Perhaps I can ask my mom to scan one and I can edit this post later.

Happy Birthday Dad! Love you and miss you and know that you would be CRAZY for your Grandchildren.

XOXOX
Mar

S-U-C-C-E-S-S That's the way we spell success!

Ok, so it's not a song. It's a cheer. Heck 10 years of cheerleading, I am not surprised I remember most of the cheers.

Onward. Went to the Doc for a follow up yesterday. With the numbers being the way they are, he could actually say surgery was a SUCCESS!!!!!

My PTH after surgery was 33 and my Calcium 8.2. Follow up calcium yesterday was 9.0. Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

They gave me copies of all the operative and pathology reports. YUCK. It sounds so nasty when you read it. He sent 4 things to path, in laymans terms it was parathyroid tissue from both sides, a few lymph nodes and a little thymus thrown in. LOL. I didn't know what thymus was until I looked it up. It produces hormones which help run your immune system. Hope they left some in me. :(

I am feeling good. Still tired but not tired like I was when I was hyperparathyroid so that's a good sign. Scar looks GREAT.

Photo attached!

Update (sorry I was really tired)

I have been trying to find the energy to update since I got home from the Hospital. What I have been doing instead. SLEEPING. Popping Tylenol #3's. LOL

I will try to make this a cliff notes version because it was so horrible, I could type for days.

I went in at 0800 for my shot. That was quick and painless. Then I had to go to the family waiting room, fill out some paperwork and wait for them to call me. What both my husband and I noticed there is the people waiting in that room really have no idea how to behave. Half the room was talking and laughing very loud. The other half was climbing behind couches and chairs in order to plug in their laptops so that they could do their "all important can't miss an hour of two of work no matter who is having surgery" work. LOL. I was more pissed about the noise level of the room. Patients are mixed in with the families people. When I am nervous, I don't want to hear 100 different personal conversations. I want peace and quiet. Shouldn't these people waiting here do so quietly while they are nervously waiting for news about their loved ones? I think it should be enforced by the ladies who run the room. Quiet talking, reading, watching TV. Not shouting, yelling, laughing really loud. (see how I went off there? lol)

So right when I asked how long it would be so Tim and I could take a walk and get away from the noise they called me in back.

A nursing student and a resident along with a nurse asked me the same questions that were on the paperwork that I just filled out. They started my IV and we waited for the anesthesiologist to come talk to me. We waited, and waited and waited. They paged him and paged him and paged him. Come to find out he was waiting in the hallway outside the operating room with a bunch of students and I would talk to him as I rolled past. At 10:30 I remember him asking me if I had any questions, I remember him saying they were giving me something to relax, and then ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I don't remember anything until I woke up pissed off and in a lot of pain at 4:00. I was in recovery, and my nurse was a bitch. It was loud as hell in there with nurses and workers laughing and joking. I wonder if they realize how hard it is to wake up and concentrate when there is so much unnecessary noise in the background. Guess they don't. So here is where the story could get really long but I won't let it. I yelled at my nurse. Told her I wanted to talk to the Doc or my husband that they were treating me like crap. (waited an hour for the bedpan (twice) and got ice chips 2X's in 5 hours) Had no idea what happened in surgery, and wanted to know. They got my husband on the phone and I told him, make them take me to my room, or take me home. NOW. After I yelled at my nurse she ignored me for 2 hours. All total I was in recovery for 5 hours. They couldn't seem to find me my bed. Ya know the one I reserved 2 weeks prior? Man was I pissed. When you feel like crap you don't want to be in a room with 20 other people who feel like crap. You want your own room.
We got the nurses name and will be writing a nasty letter to the President of the hospital as soon as I feel better.

What happened during surgery? No idea. The doctor told Tim he took some tissue from the left side of my neck and my levels didn't go anywhere. Then he took some tissue from the right side and my TSH went down 50%. I guess there was a ton of scar tissue and it was pretty ugly in there. I don't know if I am down to 2 parathyroids or not. I guess I will find out at my re-check. The Doc said he wasn't happy with the results. He was hoping it would be a little more obvious where the problem was. I guess he mentioned something to Tim about if he had to go in again he would go thru my femoral arteries? Uh Hello? Those are in your legs? No way Jose!

So that's it. Yesterday was the first day I only took some pain pills late in the day. I thought it was a good idea to walk to school with McKenna to pick up Jack. It's only 3 blocks but it was 80 degrees and I guess not so smart after just having surgery. Even McKenna who wanted to walk decided that we should drive home once we got there. LOL. She was pissed when I told her that I didn't have a car there and we would have to walk home. We were all sweaty and tired once we got back home.

It's hard for me to sleep because I can't get comfortable. So I am awake most of the time but I am tired. Go figure. Eventually I will get tired enough that I will be able to sleep and comfort won't matter. LOL

I will be off work til the middle of June. I am going to DC for Police Week on Sunday if I feel well enough and will be back on the 16th.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies out there!!!!

See ya!

Marikay

Today's the day

Couldn't sleep too well. Really nervous. Up since 4:45am. A whole hour earlier than my alarm. Go figure. I am really looking forward to the DRUGS. I will update when I can, or I can explain to my husband how to do it. LOL

See ya!

Here it comes..........................

I haven't been musical in a little while. I guess I have been too tired. LOL

Here is today's song

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here comes your 19th nervous breakdown. I swear I am headed for one.

Surgery set for May 3rd. It's not twilight. It's not outpatient. It's not 40 minute surgery. It's GENERAL translated INTUBATION It's overnight stay and it's 3-4 hours long. Maybe longer. Since I have had surgery on my neck before, he has to dig thru lots of scar tissue. He doesn't know which gland is bad. So he has to dig around. The more time digging around increases the chances of damaging my nerves, vocal cords and or last 3 remaining parathyroids. If he can't find the bad gland, he is closing me up and will try again in 6 months. How fun does that sound?:
I am not happy :( Everything I thought it would be....it isn't. Hopefully he will find the bad gland and this will be my last next surgery. Everyone who looks at my neck can't even tell I had surgery. Guess that will all change now. :(

So I am trying to stay positive. I AM TIRED. REAL TIRED.

Today I had lidocane sprayed down my nose so the ENT could stick the big 10 inch little tube up my nose and down to see my vocal cords. That was fun. NOT. They look fine he said. It tasted like shit, LOL and made me numb for an hour. Not to mention that I went to my next 3 doctors appointments with snot running down my face. LOL

Had physical and check up at the surgeons office. Then off to anesthesia to discuss the game plan. I requested a private room. I don't like to see strangers when I am not feeling well. :)

SO that's it for now. I am nervous all over again. I hate GENERAL, I thought I could avoid it.

Happy Birthday to me this Friday. :)

Ok so I am stupid

I thought I wasn't nervous about today but I guess I am. I couldn't fall asleep last night, I had straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange dreams, and when I saw my clock said 4:50am I jumped out of bed to shut off the alarm before it went off. I tiptoed downstairs and took a shower. Contemplated leaving my hair wet because after reading email til 5:30 I thought I would never be ready in 30 minutes. ROFL. DUH. I thought until 5 minutes ago I had to leave at 0600. I don't. I have to leave at 0700. Damn, there goes an hour of my life I will never get back. LOL.
So I figured I would get back on the computer while my hot rollers cooled. Now what will I do with the next 40 minutes? It's hard to do anything when the whole house including the dog is sleeping. Not the first time I have done this either. Well I guess it's better to be EARLY.
Will update when I get home.

XOXOXOXO
Marikay

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Surgery Set

I will be having surgery on May 3rd. My MRI showed NOTHING. But according to the nurse my numbers are bad enough that surgery is the right thing to do right now.

I am a little nervous. I hope it's a small incision. I was finally comfortable with my old scar not showing at all. Hope I heal by the time the warm weather comes.

I haven't told my boss yet but will talk to him soon about it. I am hoping I am only off a few weeks to heal and then will probably ask for desk duty for a few weeks after that.

I don't want to fight with anyone not being 100%. Although I work in a slow district where my day mostly consists of traffic stops and reports, you never know. The other day I had to fight with a mental and 10 firemen and an off duty guy had to help me get him handcuffed. Once in the back of my car he tried to kick my windows out and when we put him in the paddy wagon, he was banging his head really hard against the metal door. NUT JOB. LOL

I will post again after the MD appts next week and let you all know what the game plan is.

Went to see WICKED last night. AWESOME!!!!

TTFN

Marikay

MRI

Had my MRI on Wednesday. Assuming that I will find out the results on Monday or Tuesday. Surgery is scheduled for May 3rd. The Doctor replaced his nurse. (thank GOD) The MRI sucked. I tried to pretend it was a tanning bed. Sometimes when I lay completely flat I find that it's hard for me to breathe. Don't know if that is a side effect of surgery.

The clinic called me and told me I have the following appointments on the 23rd of April.

0830 ENT. Going to attempt to look at my vocal cords and see if they are functioning properly. Told me they can do it really easily if I don't have a strong gag reflex. ( I DO) The woman said if I do they will spray something in my throat and then stick a little camera down there. Sounds easy enough.

0900 Surgeon. She said check up and physical. I just had one, plus a whole body scan, an MRI a Sestimibi scan and a shitload of bloodwork. I am wondering what else they need to check. LOL

1000 Anesthesia. Last time they made my appointment, I showed up, the Doc came to talk to me and then I went to surgery. I guess I don't mind them being anal about every little detail. This will be radio-guided minimally invasive surgery. The incision should be a few CM. I will not be under general, I will have a twilight sleep and I was jumping for joy because last time the only thing that bothered me was my throat from being intubated. HOORAY!!!!!

Will update when I have something to add. :)

Happy Easter everyone. I am working, hopefully no one will be fighting with their families. I hate to arrest people on a HOLIDAY. LOL

FRUSTRATED

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

So since I have last posted I have also had to get my pathology and operative reports MYSELF and fax them to the Doctor. Don't they get paid big bucks to have people who are paid to do this. Why am I the idiot running around getting records? Especially since I signed a release that allowed THEM to obtain all my records.

I emailed the DR because I haven't heard from the nurse(she is really unorganized) He responded with this:

I will ask **** to check for your operative and pathology reports and let you know if we have them. I have not seen them yet. I have reviewed the sestamibi scans and the ultrasound that you previously had done. The reports suggested something that might be a parathyroid gland on the left side, but on my review of the films, I am much less certain that what we are seeing is the abnormal parathyroid gland. I would like to have you get an MRI of your neck so that I can try to have a greater degree of certainty about what we are seeing on the ultrasound and sestamibi scan. As we discussed when I saw you in the office, because of your prior surgery, you will have scar tissue in the neck making identification of parathyroid glands difficult. As a result, I need to have a high degree of certainty that I know where the abnormal parathyroid gland is prior to going to the operating room. If the MRI is not convincing, we will need to go on to other localization tests. I am sorry that this is not a simple prospect, but I really want to know where to look for the abnormal parathyroid prior to surgery.


Now call me paranoid since the whole Cancer issue but WTF does I am much less certain that what we are seeing is the abnormal parathyroid gland. GEEZ! I thought if you had a High PTH number you are guaranteed to have a bad parathyroid. Now I am thinking that something ELSE is growing in my neck. I guess I will have the MRI of my neck and we will figure it all out.

My hopes for having surgery and being healed by the warm weather are starting to look pretty grim. :(

I will update when I have the MRI results. Hope I don't have to run and get the record and deliver it to the DR office. I. JUST. MIGHT. SNAP. LOL

Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day!

I went out with some friends last night and had a GREAT time.

Laughed my ass off, met some nice people, saw a few old friends. Really. Great. Time.

Forgot to post that I went to the Surgeon on Monday and he wanted to see my Scans and Neck Ultrasound before he determined if he was going to go in. I am down to 3 parathyroids and he said he would like to be sure he can tell which one is the bad one. Every time you do this surgery, you have some risks. He will bring in a vocal cord expert to look and make sure that both my vocal cords are functioning properly. My mom mentioned to me a few months ago that I clear my throat pretty often. Doesn't bother me but I guess it can be irritating to others. LOL

Haven't heard back from him yet. Tim was nice enough to run to Northwestern and pick up the film and CD and deliver it to the MD. Guess he really is a busy man and hopefully I will hear something from him this week. His nurse did pencil me in for surgery on April 19th so that if he decides he will do surgery now, I won't have to wait two months to get a date scheduled. It's not that I am vain or anything but I would like to be healed before my trip to DC for Police Week 2007 and Michigan in July. Healed as in minimal redness and swelling. I just want to get it out of the way because I know I will feel so much better when I have it done. And believe me I would like to feel better.

I will update again when I hear from the Doctor. If anyone wants to call or get together, I am feeling much more social now.

More later....

Update

So I went to the Endo the other day. (who I LOVE by the way) She is really pretty anal about covering all the bases. I went for Vitamin D labs and am scheduled for a sestimibi scan next week. I asked her to look up my records because last time was such a blur I don't remember if I had a sestimibi. I did. It indicated nothing. But I did have an adenoma on a parathyroid and they removed one. So regardless of what the scan shows, I think they will be going back in to look for the bad one.
My calcium is holding at 10.1. My PTH is 113. My TSH is is .0937and my Tg is under .02 I am adding an extra pill a week to get that TSH under 9 where she would like it to be.

I am going to a different hospital to see a surgeon. My surgeon retired from surgery and does only research now. Her boss switched hospitals and he is really good. I think I would be more comfortable with him rather than the 3rd choice in the Dept at Northwestern. I guess it's going to be radio-guided minimally invasive surgery which sounds great to me. My biggest complaint was the sore throat from being intubated. Not the surgical site at all.

That's all for me. I am tired, really really tired. So tired that it's hard to function. Guess that all in the disease. I am still working midnights which make it even worse. I feel like I am never getting enough sleep.

I will update again when I have more info. And if I can figure out how to post a video, I have a really cute video of McKenna singing.

Ta Ta for Now!!!!

CANCER FREE CANCER FREE

Someone please pinch me. I am Thyroid Cancer free! The doctor just called to tell me I had a negative scan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't believe it.

I do have a parathyroid problem I flunked my 24 hour urine and assume I will subjected to a sestamibi scan and then Parathyroid surgery. How bad are my numbers? I don't know and she won't tell me anything until I see her. The bad news is that I can't get in to see her until the 23rd. I asked for this to be bumped up to ASAP and am still waiting to hear back from her.

No residual thyroid tissue, no lymph node involvement. YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I can't believe she even said those words. I am so excited.

On the other hand, I know I will have to have surgery for sure so that isn't very exciting. My scar was looking really good darn it. Now I get to start all over again in that department. Also at the back of my brain is the rare possibility that it might be parathyroid cancer. It's rare but does happen. I am going to hope for the best right now until I hear otherwise!!!!!

I can't think of a song to label this post. LOL My brain is cooked. Oh well maybe my sense of humor will return tomorrow. :)

I'm RADIOACTIVE

RADIOACTIVE
The Firm

Well I'm not uptight
Not unattracted
Turn me on tonight
Cause I'm radioactive
Radioactive

There's not a fight
And I'm not your captive
Turn me loose tonight
Cause I'm radioactive
Radioactive

LOL, do we see a trend here? I swear everything I am feeling has a song to go with it.

This song reminds me of my first go round with RAI. LOL.
For those of you not "hip" to the Thyca stuff, yesterday I was given a small dose of Radioactive Iodine. I am officially RADIOACTIVE GIRL. I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. ROFL. Not really. But I am radioactive for my scan tomorrow.
I go in at 0715 which really means they will get to me about 0830. They are never on time, and they NEVER seem to keep you updated on how late they are actually running. Go figure.

Yesterday I had to go to the lab and drop off my pee. (24 hour urine for calcium and creatinin) and stopped at the bakery to get the lab girls some muffins. They are so nice and for the most part painless. I have come to know them all by their first names, they know all about my job, my kids, etc. Guess you can develop a relationship with them after several years and a jillion blood draws later. LOL
They were so excite to get the box. (muffins not pee) They all called me and left me a message thanking me because no one ever does anything nice for them. I am officially VIP there so no waiting for me from now on. :) See it pays to be nice.
After leaving the lab, I had to take the elevator down to 2 to take a different elevator up to 8. Sounds stupid but one elevator goes from LL - 13 and the other 14-21 you can take the 14-21 down but it doesn't stop anywhere but 2 for the parking garage and then the lobby. ( am I rambling?) I then jumped into an elevator to go up to 8. We started to move and then heard the announcement...."we are experiencing minor technical difficulties". Minor HAH! I was stuck in that elevator for 30 minutes. Of course I was cracking jokes because the other ladies seemed a little nervous. One was late for work and the other late for her procedure like me. When they finally pried the doors open we had to jump down about 4 feet. I wasn't nervous because we were stuck between 2 and 1 not too far to fall if it did. Plus I was used to falling elevators since the old elevator at Police Headquarters would fall just about everyday. Was interesting to see the prisoners reaction because it really used to catch them off guard. LOL I was telling my partner about my day yesterday and she said, "your life could be a sitcom" ROFL, and she is right.

I probably won't get any results from my scan tomorrow until Monday so I won't be holding my breath. I do know from last time not to cry because my tears are radioactive and when you wipe them on your neck it makes the scan look BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD

So goodnight all from RadioactiveGIRL.
Now Britney Spears "TOXIC" is running through my brain.

One Down One to Go

LOL. Is this Marikay's musical journey through cancer?

I really wasn't thinking of this song until I titled the post. Now it's running through my head.

One down one to go
Another town and one more show...

If you don't know it, it's Leave it by Yes. Now hopefully someone else will have it running through their brain today and it will leave mine.

Leaving for the hosptial in an hour and a half. I was up EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLY with a bad stomach. Don't know if it's from the shot or from the crap I ate yesterday. :) Another shot in the butt, (the bandaid coming off hurt worse) another poke in the arm (pregnancy test) and I should be home to rest. I am really hoping that the second shot isn't what kicks in and makes you feel like crap. LOL. I don't really want to feel like crap yet. The pregnancy test thing is funny. I know it's state law regulated by the government but my tubes were tied almost 4 years ago. Not pregnant. Not going to get pregnant. Just funny that they keep checking. What is another needle stick to a Thyroid Cancer patient? NOTHING. I am the human pin cushion. Blood draws don't bother me at all. Hell, I could probably do my own by now.

Talked to my mom yesterday. Apologized for getting mad at her when all she is trying to do is help. She pointed something out to me. I joke about my cancer and treatment all the time and I get upset when someone else does. She is exactly right. I guess the humor helps ME feel better. I own the cancer. Therefore I own the right to joke about it. :) Right? Not exactly. I know that cancer effects the entire family and circle of friends. I know that everyone is involved in it. Worried about it. Thinking about it.

If you are reading and you haven't called because I emailed that I couldn't talk. I am ok now to talk. If you want to call and check up on me please do. If you call my house and I am not home, ask for my cell phone number.

I will be going for my Low Dose tomorrow and then off to a hotel for overnight. On Thursday I will be going to my mom's to hang out for the day and then bring her home with me. She is the babysitter for Friday while I get scanned. The lonely part is about to begin. No one near me for a few days. It makes you appreciate how important touching is in our lives. Hugs,holding hands, a touch on the cheek, these are all things that people take for granted. Ask someone who has/had Thyroid Cancer and RAI treatment. I bet they don't. Not one hug, not one hand, not one touch.

Cancer really can be an eye opener, it makes you realize what is important in life. It makes you LIVE your life differently. It makes you appreciate what you have. It makes you count your blessings.

When I was one year out (cancer free) Tim the kids and I did the Northwestern Memorial Hospital Cancer Walk. It was a goal for me to get there. It was a goal for me to feel well enough to do it. We did it. For me. For my Dad. For Tim's Dad. For us. I can't help remember who walked with us. Family members wore white T-shirts, survivors wore Purple. As we walked I was amazed at who wore the Purple shirts. Grandmas, Moms, really young Moms, Black, White, Asian,Hispanic, Young, Old, CHILDREN and me. I realized at that point that Cancer chooses EVERYONE. It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, or what color your skin is. Every type of person I could think of was there, in that group. It opened my eyes. Maybe next year after a clean scan I will do the walk again.

Love each other. Life is precious. Hug, kiss, touch each other. Today. No one is guaranteed tomorrow.

Updated photo

Christmas 2006. Look at the difference in them. They are growing sooooooooooo fast.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
Dont let it kill you baby, dont let it get to you


This is my theme song of the day. LOL. Tomorrow starts the week of waiting.
The schedule is Monday- Thyrogen shot
Tuesday - Thyrogen shot
Wednesday - Low dose of Radioactive Iodine
Thursday - Nothing
Friday - Scan I am sure I won't have the results until Monday.
I also have to squeeze in my bloodwork somewhere during the week since I asked the DR a week and a half ago to send the order to my house so I can go to the local lab instead of driving all the way to the hospital and paying for parking. When did it arrive? Yesterday. At 2pm. What time does the local lab close? 1pm. ROFL. Perfect timing. Now that I will be spending 4 out of 5 days at the hospital, I might as well get it done there. Why make an additional trip to the lab now when the hospital has a lab. LOL

I got mad at my mom today. After Wednesday I should keep my distance from everyone especially the kids. I was trying to figure out how this will be best to do and I was talking about where I will decide to keep myself. She suggested the basement. Is this crazy or what? I am the one with CANCER. I am the one who is stressed out beyond belief. I am the one who will be feeling like total DOGSHIT. I am the one who should be treated nice. Guess today is where being lonely starts. No one can come near me, no one can comfort me, no one can really understand unless they have been there. Yes folks it's true. At the lowest point in your life, you aren't allowed to touch anyone. No one can hug you or hold your hand. When you cry, your tears are Radioactive. Isn't that sad. It makes me really very sad and lonely. I am thinking about possibly going to stay at a hotel or something so that no one is freaked out about it. I didn't have to do that 2 years ago but I guess with McKenna being older, it might be harder to keep her away from me. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I will just go stay at my mom's house. It just really sucks that the when you need the people around you the most, you can't be around them.

So sing it with me now everyone...........................
The waiting is the hardest part....................every day you get one more card......... :)

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Working midnights sucks. It's 7 degrees outside and I have to be out in the cold. LOL
Luckily I caught two burglars and I was able to get myself inside for a few hours processing their arrests. Thank God for that. It was cooooooooooooooooooooooold out there.

Talked to my friend the Ear Nose Throat guy. Said I shouldn't worry about a thing until after my scans. Recommended I have additional scanning too. Sounds like a Parathyroid problem. Told him I don't want to have to fly to Indy so that he can treat me. LOL

I am counting down the days til my scan. Hopefully it won't take forever to get my results.

Keep praying!

Up Early, Can't sleep

The kids went to my mom's yesterday on an overnight. She hasn't seen them in quite some time so I ran them out for an overnight with her. They love going to Grandma's house. For some reason yesterday they kept asking, " Can we go to your mom's house today?" LOL

Jack overheard us talking about the cancer and doesn't quite get it yet. He said, " I don't want Mom to go into the hospital" and " I don't want Mom to be sick" and this breaks my heart. I don't think he quite understands that Mommy would never to be sick, nor would she choose to be away from him and his sister besides the occasional night out and my once a year trip to DC for Police Week. I don't like to be away from them. I talk about needing time for myself and then when I am not with them, I miss them too much to enjoy myself.

I took a 3 hour nap on the couch yesterday which I don't recommend. LOL. My neck hurts, my back hurts, and my sleep schedule is officially screwed up. Working midnights and sleeping during the day is fine. But when you try to be like a normal person on your days off and sleep at night it's when you get all screwed up. :) I am not yet adjusted to the new schedule. But I guess that doesn't matter since I am looking at a few months off on the medical. It will give me a chance to hang out ALOT with the kids before I actually have to have surgery and/or treatment. I am just really sad thinking about all of it.

McKenna was 9 months old the last time I went in for treatment. She will be FOUR in May. That's CRAZY. She will miss me this time. I will miss her like crazy. Jack is another story. My heart will break for Jack. He's old enough to start to understand what is going on if we take the time to tell him everything. I am not sure that I want to do that to him. He is so innocent. Almost 6 and I would like to let him think both of his parents will live forever. Just like I thought until I was 30. :) I have told Jack every day since the day after he was born that " I missed you while you slept" it's hard doing it now knowing that I will miss a few weeks of saying that in person.

I am still a crying, blubbering fool. Now I am really angry about this. This isn't me. I am usually sad for a day and then I get up the next and deal with whatever life throws at me. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it this time. I NEVER thought I would be here again. Needing people isn't something that I DO. Letting people help me is so strange. I know that I need to do both of these things but I am really struggling here.

I just almost paid off all the bills from my last treatment, LOL, now I am going to dig another hole. I can't believe how expensive being sick is. Thank God I have insurance. I can't imagine how people with out it or with poor insurance do it. I am only responsible for 10% and it's hard for me to pay it all. What would life be without money problems? I accept the fact that I will never know. My plan is to use my medical time to sell everything in this house that we don't use. Perhaps I can make enough money to pay off all the medical bills as quickly as possible. The way I look at it if it wasn't this......it would be something else.

I keep telling myself, it could be worse. I know that it could.

I am going to hang out for the rest of the day. I think Tim is going to run to my moms and pick up the kids. I might just go out for a drive, but there was a little snow and it's so flipping cold outside I just don't know if I want to go out at all. I also need to figure out how to sleep because I am working tonight. Thank God for my partner Sandy, she certainly makes working midnights fun. We laugh most of the night and time seems to fly by except that last hour.

Thats it for today. Hope everyone has a great day. Lord knows I am trying!!!!!

Mar

The kids

Thought I better update their photo. That other one is from last Christmas. I will post this years Christmas so you can see the difference. This was taken one morning before school. Believe it or not my husband did McKenna's hair. LOL

Doctor Called

The findings need to be confirmed with the WBS(whole body scan) I am scheduled the second week of Feb. What a long wait. I get a shot of Thyrogen on the 5th and the 6th. A small dose of RAI (radioactive iodine) on the 7th and then the scan is the 9th. I won't have the results until the following Monday and then the gameplan will be discussed.

Looks to me like I have another growth on my parathyroid. I knew I was feeling crappy in June but my tests came back ok. Now my Calcium is high and my PTH(parathyroid hormone) is almost double what it should be. If you look at Parathyroid.com and Thyca.org you can look up more about each disease. I am so lucky I fall into the 4% categories. LOL. I can't win the lottery but I can fall into the small percentage of people who have bad results. Go figure.

I am feeling a little better today. Guess the few beers I had last night as well as the dancing helped me forget about things for a few hours. This morning. Back to reality.

I am hoping that this relapse will not make me a nasty person. I am really struggling with how unfair it is. Knowing I am still blessed to have a cancer that has a 95% cure rate. I am still mad. I am mad that I have to be away from my children. That they won't understand I am not choosing this. That I will miss them. That I can't kiss them goodnight for a few weeks. That I can't hug them for a long time. That is truly the most painful part. I mean pure physical pain. My heart aches now just thinking about the weeks to come.

Glad that my friends are rallying around me. I don't want to be a burden to any of them. Tired of sucking the life out of them. Tired of being "debby downer" all the time.

Me and God. We are having issues. I am not exactly speaking to him right now. We have fought before many times, and have always worked it out. This time, I am not sure how long it will take. I am really MAD at him. More on that later.....

Keep praying people. I know it works.

Mar

It's all happening again

Hard to believe that it is. Don't know exactly how to tell people again.

My cancer is back. I have a cyst in my neck. My Lymph nodes are questionable.

I can't actually believe that it is happening to me......AGAIN.

So much for cancer changing your life and making you a better person. I guess you still need to be challenged over and over again.

Me.....can't stop crying. Totally out of character for me. I am an emotional person but this is getting crazy. I don't know if I have the strength to handle this AGAIN.

January 4th I started working the midnight shift. I didn't have enough time on the job for days and missed the bid by one person. This might all change in April but right now it's not a big concern of mine.

I was due to have my scan February 9th and was gearing up with DR appts, babysitting scheduling, time off of work. Etc. There was a little snafu with my DR. My GP said he could handle it but it turns out he couldn't so I needed to quickly find an Endocronologist. I did, got in to see her quickly and she recommended that I have a neck ultrasound since I had a year off from testing. (normal procedure for someone with a clean scan at the one year mark)

Had the ultrasound on the 24th. Had to go by myself because Jack got sick and Tim had to stay home with him. We both thought I would be fine because I would go and they wouldn't find anything. WRONG. I just was in shock. I was told I have some residual thyroid tissue and a cyst on the left side of my neck, and some questionable lymph nodes on the right. A triple whammy. Now I have done my fair share of research. I know what is possibly going to happen. My little scar that has healed so nicely and people don't even notice anymore? I have a feeling it's going to get opened up again. The question is how far? With the lymph nodes, I believe that they do a radical neck dissection to remove them. It's exactly how bad it sounds. RADICAL.

So now I sit like a crazy woman waiting for the DR to call and give me the game plan. I don't know if I will still do the regular testing that is scheduled or if I will have to go off my meds and push back the date of the testing. Either way, I will be crazy until I know what is going on with me and what the course of treatment is. Doesn't that sound like fun.

Again, I am withdrawing from life. It's how I handled it last time. Having to tell the story with all the facts and answer 1000 questions from people just isn't something I am able to do. It's 2 days later and I still can't talk to my husband or my mom without becoming a blubbering fool at some point during the conversation. It makes me mad that I have to "NEED" people. I would like to think that I can handle anything myself. The bottom line is I can't. Not anymore. How confusing is it when you need people but you push them away? I guess I don't want people to see me this way. Weak.... questioning my faith......sad.......... Where is that boring life that I wished for in the New Year? Where is my boring uneventful life that I would accept in a hearbeat. Why is my life so filled with DRAMA?

I am having a really hard time right now. I am not on speaking terms with God. I discussed this with Tim and he was nice enough to reach out to our parish priest who should be calling me in the next few days so that I can go see him. I am mad at God. I have never questioned his game plan for me. When I got cancer I saw it as a chance to change the things about myself that I didn't like. Enjoy life. Be more patient with my kids. Enjoy every moment that I have with them. Kiss them often. Tell people I love that I love them. Everyday. Be a person that my children will be proud of. Be kind to others. All of the time. I really am proud of the person that I have become. How cancer has changed me for the better. How I never take anything for granted. Now I sit and think what a good person I am and I am still being punished.

That is how it feels. Punishment. What evil thing have I done in the past to deserve this? I know it doesn't make sense to feel this way but it is what I am thinking. I know this will change. It did last time. But last time my "pity party" lasted one day. Now I am on Day 2 and it's still going on. I don't know why. I am afraid that this time I won't be taking things so well. I was so proud that I was going to hit the 3 year cancer free mark. Guess I feel like a failure. I have done everything the DR has told me to do. I faithfully take my meds, I get tested regularly. I keep on top of my blood levels. Yet, it doesn't seem to have made a difference.

Will update when I hear more from the DR. Keep my family in your prayers please.